The silence

It shone like a bright ray,
that pierced my heart,
the absence of a soul I sought,
beyond the mountain ranges of living,
inaccessible till now,
I climbed them with ease,
her thoughts kept me strong,
and when she touched my heart,
I felt my soul replenished,
I found a will to live,
the absence grew stronger,
my love just grew,
and when I turned back, i saw a face,
sketched in the mountain mist,
I knew she had her choices,
I knew she couldn't understand,
her inability to comprehend love,
is what made me love her,
I walk, amongst the mist

hurt me with your words

like silver drops on the lotus leaf,

floating on the pond of my life,
you seem to evade me,

your presence is beyond my understanding,
for you seem to make my heart bleed,
when you cry,
only to hurt me more when your absence hits,
wrecking my life,
as if the shadows of torment wait to loom,
over me,when you drift away,
like a child I cry for your voice,
in want of belonging, in want of living,
to subdue the emptiness,
that seems to gnaw at my flesh,
at my heart, at my soul itself,
to burn,
I hear my soul wail,
for you to invoke the spirit of my life,
now dying in your absence,
release me from the prison of pain,
that runs in my veins like poison,
heal me with your words that hurt,
for they remind me that you still know me.

War

When the war was won,
we searched to crown,
the world was lost in grief,
some son, some father,
we lost some hopes, some desire,
the way we lost will to be crowned,
why did the sword strike,
why did the heart watch the other bleed,
how did we attain such brutality,
was it for the glory of the land,
would we carry it with us when we die,
I ask myself when I loved,
would I carry it with me to my grave?
maybe not,
maybe I’ll live on in the minds,
the very minds capable of chaos,
I loved for it taught me forgiveness,
towards the other soul,
who never understood love,
I am crowned as a heart that loves
only? you ask,
I will just smile at your question,
for you asked me from your heart
and that is where I now reside.

something like a child

If i could,
get the moon, hiding between the trees,
touch the skies, soar high,
feel the breeze beneath my wings,
and write my name on the skies,
the sun would set in pink,
the word would bloom only daisies,
and the trees would yeild chocolates
rice puff laden, packed in yellow,
the one you would like to fling through the window
to only go and fetch with me later,
for then you felt me hurt,
for then you understood the love I treasured
for when I had only one wish for myself,
I wished to love you with all my heart

Searching for the unicorn

The feeling,
uncontrollable,
undeniable, insatiable.
intangible,
like the red
in the sunset,
like the gentleness
of the voice,
the healing of it,
that soothes the pain,
of absence,
of hurt,
my heart that bleeds,
laid in front of you,
accompanied by my will,
that you broke,
the will to feign death,
now in fate’s arms,
on broken wings,
ruffled feathers,
i shed a tear,
for I tried to touch love,
it burnt my heart,
but it gave me memories,
to live in thoughts,
peace,
contentment,
hope,
and to love
with an unfathomable proportion.

Once Then

We all will stop one day for a brief moment,
after we taste success,to turn back and look
where we have reached,
look around us and see how much we left,
how much we lost,
we shall count the tears, touch our laughter,
feel the wounds inflicted in our heart,
we shall then seek resort,
for that brief moment we shall yearn,
to be remembered by someone,
who held us close, closer that the soul itself,
the one whom we left behind, the one we refused,
but then we shall walk on, for we shall smile knowing,
that the same one still does holds us in the heart,
if dead the tombstone shall bear the inscription,
if alive,the mortal’s heart,
we shall miss that one soul then, shed a tear,
then stop ourselves from shedding another,
for we know it shall hurt them more,
for they begged to be given our  sadness,
for they lived to see us smile,
then we shall remember love,
when we are miles away, long gone,
to a point of no return.

Why

Do you wish, ever
to evaporate, sublime,
to erase your own past,
to forget you existed a presence,
that went on, without focus,
neither direction nor meaning,
without being loved,
a heart that wept in agony,
each night when you tried to sleep,
only to feel your love grow,
an  existence that ridiculed itself,
did you feel the pain?
and beg for mercy?,
knowing that you shall not be granted so?
when  your existence demanded an end,
you didn’t submit then!
why did you live on?
live in pain, and agony?
was it for the extacy of loving?
a trip for you, like on some drug?
I did, i did it for love,
i did it for living, to feel the sun,
see her burn my heart,
to exist in an agony called life,
I took the road to love.

Unending

Pink sunsets, cotton clouds, soothing winds,
The past, gentle and so mesmerizing, touching,
How it grips you in its vastness, those days,
Those eyes and that smile,
They stop your heart, for a brief moment,
You are between heaven and hell,
Lost in a transition of happiness and sad,
They grip you with the tenderness of a child,
Only to claw your heart, inflict a hurt deep,
To make you beg for freedom, for liberation,
as if to erase your past,
You cry out,there may be no answers,
you plead god,
The only companion is your soul,
bleeding profusely, while you wait,
A wait that just seems endless,
You fall into an eternity of pain,
Of belonging and you belong to pain,
Yearning for death, while the love feeds you,
Keeping you alive, the very force that kills,
Without mercy, eating you alive.

conspicious

Presence, unforgiving, piercing,
like a nail tracing itself down my neck,
buried deep in my flesh,
i feel the pain paralyse me,
to drag me back to living,
to tear open the eyelids 
disturb my rarely found sleep,
to unleash a trauma, to mystify me,
mesmerised I follow,
walk into a trap of the self,
where you reign supreme,
nothing but you can heal,
my heart crushed between truth and lies,
caught between the fire and ice,
i ask for release,
your thoughts entrenched deep,
cease my fight, ease my will, curb the desire,
to live, I give up, I fall into you,
your eyes, lost, forever.

Erasure

Where shall you hide, when the feelings tide in,
And wash away that sandcastle of your dreams,
To erase it to non existence to totality,
Just like the sand shall, you shall be too,
Washed away by the wave of time,
No one shall recollect your existence,
Not a soul mourn your passing,
With out love, without hatred,
Indifference that’s what your were,
To and to be towards, nothing could change,
You touched the sun, and kissed the clouds,
You flew on broken wings, a hero you were,
Before the final slumber, the peaceful sleep,
Whom shall you cry out for?
Whose name, whose face shall you miss,
Whose voice shall make the pain ease?
if she arrives will you not fight death?
The absence shall pain, your soul shall crave,
You shall succumb to fate, you shall rise,
Only to fail, out of love, out in the cold,
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
Your only crime, unconditional love
Your redemption, suffering

The ways of all flesh

A worst nightmare, waking up in sweat,
whose you ask? Not just mine I say,
after those dreams cloud my sleep,
torture me,
like some knife gnawing through my flesh,
I scream,
at twelve past the witchin hour,
when you be sleepin,
think you is safe,in your homes,
hidden between your pillows,
and you close your eyes,
making you want to sleep,
how them eyes going, I ask?
you reply, in your awaken slumber,lost,
like me, lost in me now you shall remain,
soon to be far away,
but you shall carry me,
somewhere in your heart,
that be, calling my name
when ya see the colour black,
And those daisies that you garden blooms with,
shall bear the thorn of hope to decay,
howl in the nights ,
listen to ur heart,
howl it will, to keep you awake,
like you keeps me,
in your thoughts,
like some labyrinth , trap you and me,
and cry, shed a tear,
watch you fade, as the sun shines out,

Out through your door, out through,
through out your life,
I shall so shall you,
remember the twisted phase,
phased out,
only to realize,
the ways of all flesh,
we only live to die.


I am trying to write rap, i just altered this from the rap i wrote on http://nair-ritz.blogspot.com .
oh well this is me again, watching the world roll by , just the way I want it to. Maybe maybe not.

A phoenix

I shall fly far away,
leave you alone to your choices,
except one where you want me to stop loving you,
for I need that to fly away
I shall touch the deepest blue,
tear the clouds and bask in the sun,
dry my wings that are soaked by my tears,
when the skies shall build up with the dark clouds,
when the lightning shall burn my wings,
when I shall fall to the earth,
I'll remember that I am the phoenix,
forged in your love, I shall fly again,
this time with the wings of my love for you

The fire and the storm

It was love,
a flame that leapt into the skies,
made the stars, lit the moon,
started the sun’s fire,
Only to burn to cinders the walls,
which kept me happy in times of loneliness,
when I was far away from feelings,
feelings of belonging,
when you touched my life,
it was a deep gash to my mind,
in pain i learnt to rejoice,
in chaos of the mind I was at peace,
little did I know, it was inertia.
the inertia induced by your thoughts,
the ones that kept me in a trance,
while my heart bled in your longing,
my voice gave up, left me speechless,
for I forgot how to speak,
my soul forgot to smile,
for welded it is to your ever present absence,
I see someone’s soul call out to me
asking me to love,
I grow afraid, for she reminds me of you,
stronger that ever, as if to burn my heart,
the very flame that your love lit,
awaits to burn me to ashes,
and your thoughts shall then blow away,
whatever of me remains.

Collapse

A page flew out of my diary,
dated 23 rd of July,
like a knife in my heart, twisting each second,
bringing me memories of you,
your strawberry essence,
reminiscent of your face wash,
your shining hair, smelling sweet,
of  a morning when I met at 9:30
when you got late, when I waited,
same place, where I often met you,
those tracks below, those passerbys’
the same sun,under the same sky,
where I loved you, torched my heart,
in the flame of your existence,
only to burn now in your absence,
self immolation, maybe you call it so,
suicide they may say,
I called it love,
i awaited your verdict, to help me decide,
you left me in the storm,
I feel scared like a five year old
lost there, amongst the strong winds of life.
release me.

Icy Wisps

Grey eyes, piercing with vision
like a switch blade when they blink,
which stare at you, break your will,
making you want to fall in love,
when she passed me by, I just stopped,
stared as if smitten by the look,
the look in her eyes, beside the elevator,
how could I help, not notice,
dressed in brilliant blue,
like a storm that swept by,
I looked out throught the window,
beside the elevator,
my soul called out your name,
the name of a tiger,
the one whom I seem to be becomming,
each day that passes by,
when I shall be you finally,
I would have to search for me,
maybe I'd be in the heart,
of mine, for you never made me yours,
I made me you, my choice I know,
I live,
in dreams maybe,
someday you may want me to call....

As If death explained

As if to walk as the un-dead,
a body without the soul,without purpose,
to ruthlessly rectify belief,
in zombies amongst us, I walk,
a bleeding heart, an insane mind,
the only  difference is the blink of the eyes,
I walk mesmerised, on a journey
towards unknown lands, to explore, as if,
yearning to bask in the morning glow,
If i could find me there, somewhere,
like a fallen soul-less night walker,
whom death took away,incompletely,
to set an example of worthlessness,
to make me wilt like a green life ,
burning in the forest fire,
to ashes that take flight,
that glow and fade,
here i am, in your vision,
in a world, built around you,
existing as if to say,
here is death Explained.

A silly poem

maybe when the sun shines blue,
someday,
when the moon shall scorch,
the breeze shall wash away,
and the sea shall dry the land
maybe then I shall find Love,,
underneath some stones , unturned
awaiting me,

Circles in the sand.

“Circles”,”in the sand”, she says,
with a twinkle in her eyes,
“I draw Circles”, “I love them”
“I watch the tide wash them away”
“I make more circles”
A child of five,
gentle as a full moon night,
my daughter, those pink ribbions,
the two pony tails,
just as her mother wanted her to have,
I watch her draw, circles, in the sand,
someday she shall grow up,
be like the woman i loved,
a woman’s reminiscent in my memories
who’s choice washed  me away,
like the waves washing those circles this child creates,
like circles in the sand,

I hear the wind

I hear a voice, velvet, gentle, soothing,
I seem to know it,
as if someone close to my heart spoke in it,
I feel in it an essence, that brings a tear to me,
one for the joy ,
one for the sorrow,
the joy, of your essence,
the sorrow, of your absence,
i smile, shed a tear,
lose myself in a moment of bliss,
to rejoice in your essence, for it is short-lived,
and it shall soon fade,
push me into the depths of pain,
where your name shall be salt on my broken heart,
where my love shall burn in my veins,
cripple my walk, talk and vision,
to make me beg for mercy from the over-lord,
I shall still love, for loving you is the force,
the one that drives me, to love you more,
like a drug on my nerves,
I await a voice, your’s
to soothe the pains, all a lifetime may bring,
maybe for a momentary reason,
a moment that lifts me closer to heaven.

Worlds apart

A ray of light struck my garden,
played on the water pool,
reflected into my room,
ploughed my mind with your thoughts again,
as if to remind,
all that left me behind,
where I lay shattered ,
in my own garden, besides the daisies,
where you roamed once,
those pink ones still smile at me,
bring me a tear,
I remember how I’ve watered them,
with my tears since the day you left,
they soothe me,
labour of love, lost I wont say,
they are so much you,
like my soul that sings your name,
entangled, stranded,
amidst a journey called life,
they ask me why I cry,
when they smile at me,
like a madman laughing with tears,
I gently touch their petals,
they stand too 
awaiting to be erased of their existence
just like me.

Rewind

I smiled once I know,
a reminiscent memory of being at self,
I set out on a journey of love,
beyond those clear signs that forbid,
I spun the fabric of my love for you
now I’m lost in that transit
the colours have faded,
while I hung in my own sorrows,
like a linen set out to dry,
in the sun, 'you'
when it visited, it took away my colours,
the same I put in with so much desire,
now only fainted by your scorch,
I seek shelter in my mother's veil.
crying with my head on her shoulders,
telling her I love the very sun that scorches,
feeling safe in her arms,
she wipes my tears,
while I’m missing you,
as if transfixed in an unending moment,
where the eyes playback a scene of you walking away,
to wind back in the trauma,
that your absence brings.

My Quest

Of all the water that flows by,
southwards in its life time,
it cut a mountain in half,
a great divide, a gash deep,
separated the mighty mountains aside.
I am just like her,
unnerved, undeniable, totality,
she forever keeps at her flow,
I like her am in love,
to me love is a constant, a change,
that is constant as change itself.
I shall touch the skies,
swim the deepest oceans ,
I can conquer the tallest peaks,
write your name on the moon if I could,
but then I would just turn back,
when I attain all my quests,
for I would have failed in my life,
without you beside,
I am lost in turmoil.

Colours

Painted in yellow, by the sodium lamps,
the road below my foot just stretches endlessly,
towards my journey some 23 miles away,
as if a never-ending one,
I walk listening to the radio playing
as if like a background score, to soothe me,
to divert my mind from your longing,
I see your face in the moon,
watch you in every reflection,
caught in isolation, I just meander,
dragging along a broken heart,
along the road 
behind me my tears mark my route ,
as if to guide me home,
when you send me back,
where I shall have to return, again,
I carry the tears on my towel now,
for they may be unworthy of touching your ground,
your realm, where you rule, in your dominion,
I wish to stop breathing,
for the air in which you breathed,
is sacred to my heart,
how can I even let it flow,
through my lungs,
for they are so full of your presence
you, who is the soul to me.

Winds By The Bay.

In the faint afterglow, besides the bay,
where I sit chained by your memories,
entrenched in agony, the winds blow beside,
often to stop, as if to turn around, to comfort,
just to make me feel your absence,
overpowering my will to sustain life,
as if in a coma, I stare into the sun,
as it goes down, to plunge me into darkness,
My soul looks around, as I sit unmoving,
for a ray of light, a streak of hope,
maybe to hear you, to make me feel alive,
it gives up, sheds a tear,
comes back in me to weep,
I can hear the howl of the wind,
gently pulling my ear-lobes
like a mother lovingly tugs at it,
I just gather myself to walk,
besides the bay, watching the tide
as it comforts the sea shore.

Frozen River

Still, unmoving, undeniable,
like a river, powerful ad unforgiving,
in a raging thunder shower, flooded,
to take away everything that touches it,
so much you, so present,
like you washing away my smiles,
feeding my mind by force,
with the pain of your absence,
where my soul questions your role,
in my living, in my loving,
where I never asked you to love ,
but these don’t matter anymore,
you are a storming river,
flooding my mind, 
I’m so much ‘you’ now,
only that I’m frozen, in my loving,
I shall be so, my will shall die, I shall too,
but my heart and soul shall be here,
loving you, with each of your blink,
I grow stronger, I grow to love you deeper,
I remain, alone, but lost in your world,
You live in my thoughts,
Immortalised.

Torched

Like a flame burning through,
my veins, my heart, as if to strangle it,
I feel your thoughts crush, cripple my soul,
to unleash a pain, that makes me shiver,
I fall to the ground, when I hear your name,
as if my legs give up, they seem to die away,
I feel in me a poison rise,
the absence that engulfs my mind,
as if like fire, burns me from within,
the love I have treasured for you,
the same that makes you hate me,
the same that makes me crave for you,
though I burn in this hellfire of loving,
where I am to be ignored and hated by you,
the fire keeps me alive,
the fire burns in my soul now,
the fire is my soul now,
I was dead the day you left.

Instance

In silence, when the wind whispers,
i call out your name,
I hear no reply to my calling,
I gather my broken heart,
weep in absence,
I hear a reply now,
you speak to me from my heart.
Where I hid you,and keep you,
alive, though it causes pain,
as a million needles through my eyes,
like a rusty blade scraping my skin,
to yeild me a trauma,
I stand,
waiting for you,
with open eyes,
with an aching heart,
just to love you.

To feel the wind beneath my wings,
to soar amongst the dark rain clouds,
to soak my feathers with the first rain drop,
to spray it on you,
to catch the first ray of light at dawn,
to bask in the red to dry my feathers,
to fan you with them when you rest,
as I tell you tales of far away,
I dreamt of flight,
now my wings are clipped,
broken by your absence,
I fell, that day when you walked away,
I still will soar,
fuelled by my love for you,
to only return to say,
that I want to spend my lifetime with you.

Collateral

A gust of wind blows through, makes me shiver,
Surprises me , flying as a high flying eagle,
watching the world below as my dominion,
I turn around, I see her, fainty present,
embodied in my thoughts, like a thorn in my heart,
to suggest pain, even in my flight of freedom,
as if bewitched by her,
to love, as if it was worship, which still seems,
to have conquered my mind,
in dementia, you released me into, away from sanity,
in want of feeling freedom, I loved,
in want of love I broke free,
I stand here all alone, turning my back,
to a world exploding to cinders behind me,
I feel its warm winds, touching me by,
they cut my skin, I don’t cry in that pain,
I cried, you made me cry, for no reason,
I now cry for I fear it’s your turn now.

Arsenic

What can I say to a heart,
that your absence corrodes,
to question the core of my existence,
to make me gasp for breath,
knowing I have to live in your choice,
to exist so, without questioning 'why',
as if to sustain myself in this profound pain,
that I cast on myself, maybe fate,
the same pulled us apart,
though my fate is your slave,
I hide in its shadow,
in shame of being vulnerable to you,
to look twice at my reflection,
to realize it's mine,
to curb the desire to stop breathing,
I call out your name,
a name that gives me wings,
to ascend into the brilliant blue,
amongst the morning sun lit clouds,
where I write your name,
with a feather of my dream, my pen,
the cloud my canvas,
I falter from reality to love you,
I accept your gift of hatred,
for it comes from your heart,
a place beyond reach or rights,
where even my God asks to enter,
where I stand behind him far away,
a mere mortal entombed by my own love for you.

Sleeping Child

I wish the angels sing sweet lullabies,
serenade you to sleep tonight,
you may lose forty winks
when you remember me,
for I'm as if in a coma,
from your prolonged absence,
the soul that once smiled,
awaited, knowing you shall arrive,
the next day, when the sun rose,
I used to sleep in anticipation,
Sleep is not easy to come by anymore,
for you haunt my memories,
making me search in the dark,
for a vision of you,
for the sound of your voice,
masked by the cricket sounds in the night,
I search for you,
in a deadlock of living and death,
caught between hope and reality,
I await the rains now,
to laugh at the rains like a madman,
for June shall soon arrive.



(In india the monsoon arrives in June.)

Moments

Somewhere where the winds blow,
bringing hopes to some in love,
they look out the window,
to soothe their pain,
the one that seperation brings,
for just a glimpse,
maybe for a word,
or for news that all is well,
to shed a tear in joy,
even if to wither in pain,
to feel her memories burn,
through the veins as blood flows,
while she, unaware, lives on,
in her own world,
whose mistake? to often ask,
no one to blame, a life's play,
a mockery, a jokey some may say,
I believe I call it love,
and I shall do so,
as long as I breathe,
but only a tiger,
the one who stole my heart,
and my sorrows,
I still wait maybe in hopes,
maybe as a friend.

The calling

As I Await infinity,
this plundering reality,
with your absence
deprives me of my smiles,
leaves me cold, dying,
as though killed in cold blood, murdered
ruthlessly, as though life has become still
the shadows of death just cover me,
killing me each second, but make me live,
fed by your memories, my llife shudders,
keeping me alive, to live on, in this agony,
an agony I call my existence, without you,
a synonym to profound pain,
is what your absence is,
come back, touch my life,
I forgive you, for all that you are,
For the love entrenched in me,
inseperable from all thoughts.

Beyond the touch, beyond the skies
somewhere where the stars twinkle,
and write your name in formation
I wish to fly there, your name lighting my wings
like my love for you lit my life,
as it still does today, when we are miles apart
some 23, your ways and mine,
only to be propelled further,
The only tears were mine, then and now
just to catch your glimpse,
to see you smile, knowing all is well
I wish to be amongst those stars
to float endlessly in space,
to watch over you, love you more,
to turn around and look at God,
to tell him what you are to me,
he knows but he pretends
for you are what is my blood of life
nothing else, nothing more,
just life as I exist, for whom I breathe
for whom I was sent to love,
now I exist in solitude, I cry,
maybe I fell short of loving you well.

Tangent

Like those lines touch and go,
far away to seperate,
life stands asking for a statement from me,
why we are so far apart,
maybe we are vendetta's victim,
on one side my fate,
on the other, your choices
just to reflect on ourselves, we abide,
we know not why,
how, where and if ever,
the love that i have for you, grows
just to overwhelm, making me live on,
not in hopes of finding you,
but in want of loving you more,
I await for the ultimatum,
On my knees praying to you,
praying to god,
to be well, for you to be kept well,
maybe someties when the winds call,
I'll ask them to send you a wave of peace
to gentle touch your hair,
to tell you I love you.

Oh

That reminds me http://www.orchidseven.com/ my security site is up and running.

Consecutive

I call out to her in the mist,
crying as she walks away,
like my calls were unheard,
like I am some stranger.
back then when I was called
i would turn around, contented
for she needed a shoulder,
at times a friend,
at times like a fatherly figure
now the winds have changed,
blown away my feeble world,
burnt to ground all I had
but I still turn around
I hear her, as echoes of my past,
for she is in every breath,
in every moment, 
in every instance I occur in.
to see her, to hear her,
to make her feel alright,
I wish to exist, to love,
to just ache, but to love again.

Firestorm

Bleed in the pain of loving,
my mind, you are so by your choices,
of the high places you kept the one
the one who stabbed your heart,
the very one

they shall now bear witness
when you sit and cry alone
for loving one who was afraid to
they will remind you to stop,
you wont, I know,

waiting ,
for a glimpse of her,
a wave of her voice,
to know she smiles,
you sit there,
lost in a trance,

rise, mind, whom i call ‘firestorm’,
you are the bringer of change
render me free, from the pain
light that hope back, teach me,
to love her more
in this absence of serenity

You

some times when i dream
of english fields and sunset evenings
awaiting your arrival
with a lonely heart
i love the wait
for you shall heal my heart
with ur presence,
make me love you more

i know it may be long
and your journeys far
somewhere beyond the horizon
where the sky kisses the earth
just to catch a glimpse
of you each morning I may wait
you may come, you may be late

My love for you shall bring
a smile, in pain of absence
but I'll just love you
endlessly,
if you care, I know not
but I know I do,
i know I can,

i await, you,
your voice,
your presence,
i treasure you,
deep in my heart

MSN

Awaiting a chance,
to see the brown pawn turn green,
to talk about journeys,
tigers, lillies, dreams and destinations,
to offer roses, the sleepy moon,
emotions in small circular existence,
like someone speaking, unseen,
questioning me who, why, where,how
to render a pain sometimes a red cross,
across my name, blocked,
only to be released, again,
your smiles,naughty,confusions
teaching me to love you more,
I just keep awake to catch you praying,
to see my messenger’s popup.