My dear Cocoma

She would walk, gallop like a pony follow me as a tail, everywher i walked and if i looked at her she would look back wag her tail, as me to lift her up to me we had named her so many things every 5 minutes of my life she would get a new name She would respond to every call fight for her space between my feet to sleep she would put me to sleep on the restless of nights she would stop me from waking up early Each time i would get ready to go to work she would hate it Days have gone by when we would sleep all day with her at my right chest the left occupied by my wife She was so alive I would always ask her "Why are you so cute?" She finally answered it yesterday She was so cute because she was me And Whne i buried her, i buried myself I put a picture of me beside her body So that if she wakes up from a nightmare in her eternal sleep She would look at my picture and sleep Knowing that I care for her And that I am with her Forever. We slept at 10 last night I woke up at 5 Am, awakened by the cries of her father An old 16 year old frail dog , that is unable to walk He still searched limping on the three ones that work Its not even a day since she parted but the day feels like a year already

I live on

i could have been dead once
into oblivion, lost to decay
No hand would have stretched out
none could warm this soul
Yet I survived, a curse, to live
witness the world
watch it turn the knife in my soul
gentle, hurting me yet keeping me alive
such is an existence, one i could abhor
Even death mocks me
if i should ever rise
i have my own ones to bring me to my knees
to cry, the tears are gone
to bleed , there is nothing left in the heart
to escape, there is no hope in my soul
to win, god didn't write me that fate
i await, in my prison
just to writhe in pain, whimper in the night
beg for an end
yet i live on

Forego

Tread amongst the rustling leaves
hear her walking amongst
a youth, nothing to care about
I just wonder at her passing
like the gentle touch of bombax
floating in the summer breeze
like the boats that the children float
beside the pond, in the stream
if to confront her , I ask myself
and if not then she will never know
but if she knew what this heart felt
would she cast a gentle glance
such a risk is too great to take
and since it may be a mistake
To forego her just passing every now and then
I stand there at my porch to catch a glimpse

Exiting Rosemont.

I am at the crossroads again
Like the past the choice is made
One end goes to my road to be rode
The other that the mind wants to hold
Twenty years ago almost
I had the choice made for me
It’s been made for me again this time
And again I am compelled to choose otherwise
On one side is my world where I can be free
Far from the devices that tie me
The other a routine
Just another frame for my existence
This side loneliness, unknown and pain
And the journey I take is to the light
A thing of joy to most souls
But happiness is what I abhor
Will this be a homecoming?
Or will it be a walk where I leave my self behind
I still can feel the 5th of December
The day my I felt at home in Rosemont.

Farthest

When I stopped to compare
Your absence and the skies above
The distance seemed to be insignificant
And found the sky touching my feet.

So I thought to compare
The sun and the earth that stands great
And I could just blink and touch the sun
Compared to missing you here

So I thought of the heavens
How further is god, since he is unseen?
I feel in heaven when I hear you speak
Maybe that distance is still short then

So I found it hard to compare
The sky, the sun, heaven seemed nothing
For I could go the distance bare feet
Just to see that you are smiling.

If the woe that I hide shall unravel
And you see this heart bleed, just look away
Like you always did, and pray to be forgiven
Walk along like you are in your world
And If you shall wait to see, close your eyes
Watch me writhe in agony
Ignore me, walk on
Like you were blind
If you stop to ask
Why does this heart bleed, touch yours
Ask yours, what you are to me
You shall know that my soul is second to loving you

Etched in deep meanings

If to walk this earth alone, shall I forever be condemned
And that when I shall pass, all I walk on shall be barren
Into the glorious world that everyone who sees
My eyes are just tinted with these haunting miseries
My original sin that I loved
And that has now borne fruit, unlike those that bring joys
I speak to the empty walls of my heart
Everything about me, an antithesis
Where one finds laughter, I find hurt
The soul now an empty aura of nothingness
And I am bound to like in this existence
When I raise my arms to the skies
Even the wind refuses to touch my palms
And the soil beneath, fails to take me in her arms
The spring bears no bloom in my garden
The brook where I once waited, now dried
The birds seem to never visit, not a robin, not a crow in sight
Nothing has been the same, nothing has changed past that
The moment you left, the last glimpse of you I caught
The will to smile followed you, as you wandered off
In a chance meeting, if you see it, just send it to me
Just point towards my direction
for the wind shall know that you thought of me
And it shall touch me, passing by.

Purpose

Mounds of sand, nothing alive for miles
Like Atacama, nothing but nothing all surround
Futile, yet the heart chased a thirst
Found an oasis, crawled to it, and breathed its last
With open eyes, peering into that mirage
Like so many of the same it had witnessed and walked to
And all that walk ever did was weaken that thirst bearer
Causing its demise, its fall
A lifeless body, it’s back to the heavens
In death too, staring into the oasis
As if wishing the mirage shall move
And in a way bring life back
For the heart that doomed itself
Foolish it seems, yet the heart could never think
There was a purpose it was made
A purpose it should have learnt to understand
And give up, when it sees so many around
It is to love, break, bleed and die
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this one is to you.. and i hope it is not as pathetic as the rest of what i have written.

An Evening to remember.

An evening to remember
Of the downy flake, and the time spent
In mesmerized overtones, in silent agreement
Acceptance of the inevitable
Should I have been cautious to tread
Into the unknown realm of your mystic existence
Confined to your chains of wishes
Heed your calling, even wait for one
And the night seems to grow strong
Morning; just is too far away, seemingly endless the darkness
What should it be, a smile or a sigh
That you are in my timeless mind
Or in a mindless time, existing like drops of oil on water
Never to mix, yet shades it to a rainbow
My heart longs, the mind has given up
It’s caught in this stalemate
Somewhere between their standoff is my soul searching for me
One that was offered at the first gaze
Lest should I cease to breathe
Offer me nothing, not even a care
Let me roam, unsettled, like a ghost
Let me be there where we walked together
And walk that trail

let me

Let me fall into the sky
And be amongst the birds that fly, soar
But hold me from drifting away
When the storm cloud rises, and the lightning cracks the skies
Let me float endlessly
In the ocean so blue, where the fish swim
Be the anchor that holds me
Steady and still in the unforgiving waves
When you think of me, wave in the breeze
Your essence shall touch me
Keep me warm in your thoughts
Comfort me, when this heart misses you
If you pass me by, perchance that I be blind
Your scent shall let me know
That I am still alive, I shall smile
Knowing you are well
In discomfort, if one shall slip past my prayers
Should it visit you, send it to me
I shall welcome it, down on bended knees
And after all, if I am alone, and you lost to time
I shall look back, to the lake, to the path you walked on
Sear my soul to cast your imagery
Warm my hands, in the flame of your memories

Blur

I can’t understand
Why this heart longs for you
And if I have to know, it’s been beyond feelings
Scorched, dried and turned to ash it has been
And then you change it
Would you be here , just to mock my love
Have my sins been so grave that I shall be tormented forever
If so why does this heart long for this endless pain
To run away from you and to you am back again
All this while that you fade
Into the dark skies of the night
And wake me up each morning
To crave, to hear you speak, of the weather, of the land, anything
And then to fade again
This heart has called out to you
It has known pain, of losing, of missing
Did you only mend it, give it life
Only to bleed it again?
In my complete surrender
Did I commit my gravest mistake?
The mind that has been stirred
Is at unrest, awaiting a glimpse,
If only; a glimpse of you.

A while has passed, since you passed my way
and the moment seems so strong , the mind holds on
Casting nothing but a glow of loneliness and dismay
Hear my calling , come my way
Far too long have these days been
and seeming less silence in my ears
they just await one voice, yours, so serene, a fabric of warmth
cover me with those words again
Inside this heart , i harbour your absence
The storm of your absence , wailing in the heart, now hollow
I have known what pain could be, I have been dead for long
you brought me back to life, life hurts again
Confer to me a wish to feel your gentle touch,
Confer to me to see your gentle smile
For i have seen it once, and this greed for living years .

Solitude has perseverance
And it is catches up quick,
I look, I run but I can only do so much
‘You’ I and the ‘I’ you that left me behind
Which side is the winning line?
Which side is to lose?
Where will I stand if I have to choose?
Shall I dance to my loss for the ones I love have won?
Shall I cry to realize that they wouldn’t care less?
Your dogma, your perception
Your ramblings and musings
Your minds, a cage with a dying bird
My mind a dead cavern, without even that
And when our worlds collide
I shall gently bow down and let you pass first
For all I need to know is you are safe
And all I care is if you can smile

My Path.

Beware that you may step
Into a realm of uneasiness
Into pain and sorrows unknown
And if you shall ask, who left your hand
When you turn back and see you are lone
Ask not me, for you have become me
One, lost , never to be found

The first bee that would arrive, shalt despise
If you were a flower
The first spring shall leave you a bud
And stay shut to your self
The eye of a lover shall always ignore ye
And so shall the other flowers
And you shall just wilt
In the eve at the set

The first rain drop shall dry, abhor your existence
If ye were the earth
The herds shall never graze
For no grass shalt grow on thine
And parched shall ye be in this flood
And none shalt quench thy thirst
And you shalt be called cursed
Deemed unfit for love and life

If ye decides to follow thy heart
And follow it must one should
But remember the offspring that are borne
In a fertile mind are rarely understood
Some shall be your undoing
Some shall be your pain
Some shall break your heart
And some may scorch your soul

Pity no one shall
Nor shall I account
For you walked the stony path
That I walked once alone
If I see ye over the corner weeping in dismay
I shall walk over, warm your hands
And simply walk away
This loneliness is my curse and it shall always be
For this is mine and only mine
For this is all I have.

Abbott died today.

At the corner of the drug store
Where we all would often meet, greet and bid good byes
Have been called, again this time
One of us has passed away
The dress code is black
The day seems so much in gloom
I pass by the kids in the park they call out
I always carry candy for them, we all did
Small town; the folks knew each other’s names
First middle and last
A utopian model, unbelievable

The town folk had gathered with the priest
He says things that seem so false
And he talks of a better place, some where the angels where tread
I refute such claims, usually, yet I let it pass this once
I can see his widow, she doesn’t weep
She sits there holding his hand, she hasn’t moved
Last night when Abbott went to bed
He gently slept, unsounding, and turned stiff
She looks at the priest and asks
‘has the lord left me alone, did he forget how my life was his breath’

The priest silenced by such a word
Looked up to the heavenly cloud
And then I could see the tear roll down his cheek
For laurel post that question had passed away
Together forever in life in death
They had fulfilled their solemn oath

I looked at my wife just then
She stopped her weeping, walked up to laurel
Kissed her forehead and prayed for her soul
Whilst the rest of us stilled in that moment
On of love inseparable even in death
She came over to me and held my hand
I wept this time for the love I felt
I told her ‘I shall follow you like laurel has’
But never die first like Abbott did

For I am afraid to let go of your hand
Let the lord take us both, but not one
And I went down to my knees after long
Held her hands and prayed
He bears witness , from the clouds above
A wish I make to thee, if ye send for her then send as well for me
Let us be in each other’s arms
breathe our last; in love’s symphony.

Tinkle.

There lay many, where the pieces fell before
Often i hear them crash, whilst a piece falls over another
The heart still cracking up, slowly, a fragment each time
Of glass made, that was shattered, into a million pieces,
One heart, mine
Now gone cold, lifeless, devoid of all feelings; save for pain
And of longing, the soul dreams of
Though the days pass like drifting clouds
The sun shines on those broken shards
Reflecting you,
Warm glow, flower beds and green fields
They are nothing, if not a taunt
Of reminiscent memories, some painful, salient

Revival

I am singing you a heartfelt song
Whilst the seagulls glide gracefully above
Will you be there when the morning comes?
And hold me when the moon shines
Will you hear the crickets, sitting on the park bench under the light?
And look into my eyes, just to find me dissolving into yours
And shall you rest your head against mine
While we share the time, saying nothing, while I hold you in my arms
Let me hold the book you read, turn the page as you need
Drink in the scent of your warmth, lying beside you
When you turn off the reading light let me hold your hand
And sleep with you in my arms, share and see the same dream
Go mad with you and play in the snow
Let me make a snow ball and hand it over
To throw it at me, so your hands don’t turn cold
Let me stir your coffee, while you stir it
Let’s sit like we did once eons ago
Let me hear you breathe, and feel that I breathe too
For this heart has learnt to miss again
And it weeps like a child to hold you

Maddened

They still play that song, down by the inn
Where we had coffee, and I drank
I was drunk in the moment with you
Filled up my heart in the melody of your voice
Whilst we discussed over things that never mattered
Neither to you nor to me, just to converse
Our glasses stood next to each other, like they wanted to dance
And I never asked if you wanted to, I apologize
Too shy to say I had two left feet
They guys still go crazy when they watch TV
When Knopfler sings ‘postcards from Paraguay’…
They sometimes raise a toast to that empty chair
Of the table I sit at, to let me feel that they see you too
I know they lie, for they don’t have my eyes
But lie in good spirit, would you come on by?
They ask sometimes when they meet me speaking to you
On the road, where we once took a stroll
Buddies;
They always cheer me up
And keep that bleed in check, some I see with tearful eyes
I know you are gone, but why do I still see you
Feel your presence,
In each flake of snow I see, each ray of sunlight that falls
Like an omnipotence, endless like the universe itself
And why do I walk on, talking to you, hearing you speak to me
In the rustling leaves, the gentle whistle of the wind
I may have been maddened, but I like it there
I keeps you with me

The life of The Nair

A million years, since we met
Since you snuggled up to me and gently wept
In happiness
When you were sad, afraid, I promised I won’t let go
The winter’s waning, the fog gentle as your touch
Has cast itself on me, still warm in thoughts
The morning glow, I remember distinct, your hair shimmered in
The pavement we walked along, together,
I see us walking each time I look
Each day has passed as thousand days..
And you still far away, if you look over the ledge do you see me?
Standing there, with flowers, awaiting you to run to me
Much time has passed indeed, and this heart now frail
The soul now on a broken leash
Was that you who just rang the chimes?
Was that you who called out my name?
Was that you who just passed by?
Truly a million years must’ve passed.
And this soul still survives
Maybe its journey is at end
Maybe it waits to catch a glimpse of you again
Playing amongst the daisies in my back yard
Gently blowing the dew drops away on mornings like these
You warmed a soul; it needs your warmth again
But I will wait another million years
Bask in your memories, and then silently fade
Like those wildflowers of my garden…

Meander.

 

The beautiful sky above, the flight of the swans gliding
the rays gentle touch their faces turning orange
in the morning glow
the mist , of the mangrove, so calming
painting faces of the many before me, as they gently sing in harmony
the trees green reach for the skies, the little birds tweet
harboring their nests, and the younglings chirp
as the river meanders, gently the fish swimming upstream
the river bed so clear and distinct
where a tortoise often drinks, while a butterfly rests on its nose
It fights but then again its just love, they do it forever
the cool waters lashing against my body
floating , my eyes open skywards
dead, the eyes still alive, in search of someone
as the world awakes,
the river carries me endlessly , on my final journey
to be one with the earth, blend in her
and let free of my dreams, wishes and longings
mixing me into nothingness…..

utterings of a prisoner

Talk to me, be there in those images I see
Touch my heart, make this time melt away
Look at me and say that you missed me
Whisper , gently as you do, let the winds carry your voice
They know their way,
If i was deaf i could feel them, if i was blind i could see them
You could wake up my long dead soul
You could bring down the walls of my fear of love, of smiling
I know not who you are, if you are God sent.
I know not why, and why for one forsaken so long ago
Let me follow you, eyes closed, bound to your essence
Feel your perfume guiding me, tugging me away
Far from the sorrows that keep me a prisoner
of my own self, of my own doings
free me, unlock this mind
Let this soul soar high again, let your love be the wind beneath its wings
and when I descend, and if it was my final flight
tell me you'll love me, you shall bring my soul back again.

empty

Where I once had love, now all it shelters is fear
Agonized by the ever present , omnipotent absence
The mind now a cavern, hollow, yet standing
Your thoughts flow constant, in gentle streams

There are times when the darkness haunts me
The darkness within, so empty so lone
It misses your touch, gentle; was a known term
Now the walls of this cavern are dry

Sometimes a raging river would run when you were aside
Would gently foam lashing against the seascape so serene
A seascape built of you and me, destroyed by the time’s symphony
Decays the soul that lives there, in that cavern

Summers, and winters have gone by, so have the rains
All drenched me, except my soul
For the faux pas of fear, of a heart, an engraved memory
Kept the cave out of reach, untended

When the day beckons, I am one with the devices that tie me
When its eve I sit and gaze at the skies
I sometimes try to smile, but laugh in my sadness
Each time the cavern mocks at me.

Purge

Ravage my soul
let me lose control
find you in my mind, erase it
Purge my thoughts
Feed this blind brain thought
Equalize what once was High
get my head out of the clouds
rip my heart to shreds
And when all is done
sew me together and leave me, again
Maybe then I shall write again.

Deep within my self
I have concealed your thoughts
Wicked and sacrilege, of lust and desertion
You can see the fight in my eyes
if you look into them, your innocence breeds my craving
of you, a mere possession , mere flesh
I shall not be the one, who shall soothe your hurt
Nor shall I be the one you have waited for
I am only a speck, blowing in the wind
tomorrow I may be gone

Knowing this would you just breathe easy
and extend your hand, surrender your self to me
be in pain, exist so forever there on
for a moment of oneness with you?
I would have if I was you and you were me.
I wont ask for an answer for you are not me.
I depart now.