In my mind
Are monsters
Untamed, unchained, enraged
Monsters at the gate
Each thought that enters through the gate
Is shred, bled and tormented
Sent into an endless state of woe
I think some more again
In my mind they hide
In my mind they bid their time
Only to chance a crack
In the wall that I built around
The worst one to rush through first is love
Unfathomable even to me
The beast tramples my senses as it ploughs ahead
Leaves them behind in disarray
The monster of lust soon follows close
Indistinguishable but gently bruises my senses
Apologetic in its arrogant way
It rushes right behind love
Longing is my third
And it is the most troublesome one
It just sits there by the bruised senses
And mocks them every then and now
Why should pain remain behind
When its fore runners are swift footed
It just lingers around to mock me
Draw my blood, bleed me dry
And the to insult my intellect
I was born with four, I know,
jealousy and hatred never somehow
For they may be the worst possible I have heard
I have enough to handle here, thankfully
The knight to slay it is Sir logic
Yet he fails far too fast and often
But I admire his will
Of trying a convincing hand of rounding up those pests.

Feel my last breath leave
Watch my will wilt in its final calling
In a mind so enchanted by a presence
Let me pass

Give me a tombstone
Write ‘here lays a faded one’
Let me be unnamed
For a faded one needs none

When the summer arrives
Brings along its morning glow
Let it fall on my tombstone
In its shadow let my wandering soul rest

 Forbid one and all to enter
Touch the ground where I now reside
Let them know that here lies a pawn
Yearning for rest from endless time

When the winter freezes over
And the ice shall from on my bones
My soul that has loved pain shall smile
For pain is its oldest companion

Once born,
Forever alone, a choice, one it loved
For loneliness is my mate
And loneliness is now with me, forever.

An ode to my butterfly

The dancing flame, on the silver plate.
Spreading light uneven like my fate .
I chanced upon the garden gate ,
golden, a Butterfly, stirring my faith.

I look and wonder, Ah ! a spark of joy .
The wings smiled and the eyes gleamed
An eagle soaring high above,
My heart wished to touch its feathers

I waited its decent, waited to no avail
Higher then the wind blew slight
Rejoiced I was at the thought of its flight.
Afraid when I lost a wing

In pain i was, in the quest of my heart,
My longing became my undoing
The wings still smiled as they initially did,
But my hearts agony could not be hid .

“Walking away I am, O beautiful creature “
but forsake it I had to nature .
SO tore apart my heart I did in half ,
And told one half to guard it on my behalf.

I walked away with my bleeding heart ;
For another butterfly might long for another .
I leave my broken wind behind, bearing witness
Guarding and protecting this moment for ever.
-------------------------------------------------

A poem by Krishnakumar. (My cousin)

The Fires of passion

Should all that I have known change
Bring to dust all my dreams
I should rest in peace knowing
There was passion in knowing you

 If evil should I be called
And shalt be declared a lustful beast
My soul shall not seek shelter
From the name calling ever

In the fire of passion for you
My heart was warm, my soul burnt bright
And to those who know not love
Need to agree with me

That love shall die, a slow cold death
Without the fire of passion
And from its fires I forged the blade of love
And stabbed my heart for thee

If you shalt visit my grave
Touch the earth where I lie
Don't say a word, for they don't mean a thing
Just stand there, where this lover lays.

The three of us.

We share the same room, me and death

Discussing the state of my ailing friend

“Would you mind if I take him along “ asks death

“I would, should I not?” I ask

“He is my friend, a companion of times long

“Some happy, most worst, when I would hail out to him

“He would rush to my calling

“Why should I let you take him now?” I argue

“A great friend he is, I no doubt agree.

And miss him you shall, I must agree

But I am your friend too, you should see

I was here since eternity

All that is born shall one day leave

When it is time, they come to me” says death.

“Since you call me a friend death, please favour me

Let him live again, please let him be

And I shall take his place, and come with you

And see him live, a few more years

So that I know he has lived a full life

Hear my please, please acknowledge this plea

Let him be, please let him be “ I beg

“I accept this only if you answer,

A question as twisted as life itself

And when you answer I shall ask

If you still want to let him be” said death

“I shall take you, and let him live

But he shall be ailing till he dies,

His body has outlived his chartered time

And since you took his place, lone he shall be

No one to look at him and say it will be better

He shall then be forced to live in misery

Ailing being better than misery

So my earnest friend what shall it be?

A life of his misery for him,

Or shall you keep his thoughts in your heart

And warm it each time you think of him? “ Death asks.

“Take him with you, let me cry

And then grow out of it knowing he shall be in a better place

Away from his ailing, away from his pain

Into the arms of the universe, I shall look up, into the stars, smile at them

Knowing he would miss me as I would

When I die, I shall die happy

Knowing I shall meet him, amongst the creation” I pray.

My dear Cocoma

She would walk, gallop like a pony follow me as a tail, everywher i walked and if i looked at her she would look back wag her tail, as me to lift her up to me we had named her so many things every 5 minutes of my life she would get a new name She would respond to every call fight for her space between my feet to sleep she would put me to sleep on the restless of nights she would stop me from waking up early Each time i would get ready to go to work she would hate it Days have gone by when we would sleep all day with her at my right chest the left occupied by my wife She was so alive I would always ask her "Why are you so cute?" She finally answered it yesterday She was so cute because she was me And Whne i buried her, i buried myself I put a picture of me beside her body So that if she wakes up from a nightmare in her eternal sleep She would look at my picture and sleep Knowing that I care for her And that I am with her Forever. We slept at 10 last night I woke up at 5 Am, awakened by the cries of her father An old 16 year old frail dog , that is unable to walk He still searched limping on the three ones that work Its not even a day since she parted but the day feels like a year already

I live on

i could have been dead once
into oblivion, lost to decay
No hand would have stretched out
none could warm this soul
Yet I survived, a curse, to live
witness the world
watch it turn the knife in my soul
gentle, hurting me yet keeping me alive
such is an existence, one i could abhor
Even death mocks me
if i should ever rise
i have my own ones to bring me to my knees
to cry, the tears are gone
to bleed , there is nothing left in the heart
to escape, there is no hope in my soul
to win, god didn't write me that fate
i await, in my prison
just to writhe in pain, whimper in the night
beg for an end
yet i live on

Forego

Tread amongst the rustling leaves
hear her walking amongst
a youth, nothing to care about
I just wonder at her passing
like the gentle touch of bombax
floating in the summer breeze
like the boats that the children float
beside the pond, in the stream
if to confront her , I ask myself
and if not then she will never know
but if she knew what this heart felt
would she cast a gentle glance
such a risk is too great to take
and since it may be a mistake
To forego her just passing every now and then
I stand there at my porch to catch a glimpse

Exiting Rosemont.

I am at the crossroads again
Like the past the choice is made
One end goes to my road to be rode
The other that the mind wants to hold
Twenty years ago almost
I had the choice made for me
It’s been made for me again this time
And again I am compelled to choose otherwise
On one side is my world where I can be free
Far from the devices that tie me
The other a routine
Just another frame for my existence
This side loneliness, unknown and pain
And the journey I take is to the light
A thing of joy to most souls
But happiness is what I abhor
Will this be a homecoming?
Or will it be a walk where I leave my self behind
I still can feel the 5th of December
The day my I felt at home in Rosemont.

Farthest

When I stopped to compare
Your absence and the skies above
The distance seemed to be insignificant
And found the sky touching my feet.

So I thought to compare
The sun and the earth that stands great
And I could just blink and touch the sun
Compared to missing you here

So I thought of the heavens
How further is god, since he is unseen?
I feel in heaven when I hear you speak
Maybe that distance is still short then

So I found it hard to compare
The sky, the sun, heaven seemed nothing
For I could go the distance bare feet
Just to see that you are smiling.

If the woe that I hide shall unravel
And you see this heart bleed, just look away
Like you always did, and pray to be forgiven
Walk along like you are in your world
And If you shall wait to see, close your eyes
Watch me writhe in agony
Ignore me, walk on
Like you were blind
If you stop to ask
Why does this heart bleed, touch yours
Ask yours, what you are to me
You shall know that my soul is second to loving you

Etched in deep meanings

If to walk this earth alone, shall I forever be condemned
And that when I shall pass, all I walk on shall be barren
Into the glorious world that everyone who sees
My eyes are just tinted with these haunting miseries
My original sin that I loved
And that has now borne fruit, unlike those that bring joys
I speak to the empty walls of my heart
Everything about me, an antithesis
Where one finds laughter, I find hurt
The soul now an empty aura of nothingness
And I am bound to like in this existence
When I raise my arms to the skies
Even the wind refuses to touch my palms
And the soil beneath, fails to take me in her arms
The spring bears no bloom in my garden
The brook where I once waited, now dried
The birds seem to never visit, not a robin, not a crow in sight
Nothing has been the same, nothing has changed past that
The moment you left, the last glimpse of you I caught
The will to smile followed you, as you wandered off
In a chance meeting, if you see it, just send it to me
Just point towards my direction
for the wind shall know that you thought of me
And it shall touch me, passing by.

Purpose

Mounds of sand, nothing alive for miles
Like Atacama, nothing but nothing all surround
Futile, yet the heart chased a thirst
Found an oasis, crawled to it, and breathed its last
With open eyes, peering into that mirage
Like so many of the same it had witnessed and walked to
And all that walk ever did was weaken that thirst bearer
Causing its demise, its fall
A lifeless body, it’s back to the heavens
In death too, staring into the oasis
As if wishing the mirage shall move
And in a way bring life back
For the heart that doomed itself
Foolish it seems, yet the heart could never think
There was a purpose it was made
A purpose it should have learnt to understand
And give up, when it sees so many around
It is to love, break, bleed and die
============================================================
this one is to you.. and i hope it is not as pathetic as the rest of what i have written.

An Evening to remember.

An evening to remember
Of the downy flake, and the time spent
In mesmerized overtones, in silent agreement
Acceptance of the inevitable
Should I have been cautious to tread
Into the unknown realm of your mystic existence
Confined to your chains of wishes
Heed your calling, even wait for one
And the night seems to grow strong
Morning; just is too far away, seemingly endless the darkness
What should it be, a smile or a sigh
That you are in my timeless mind
Or in a mindless time, existing like drops of oil on water
Never to mix, yet shades it to a rainbow
My heart longs, the mind has given up
It’s caught in this stalemate
Somewhere between their standoff is my soul searching for me
One that was offered at the first gaze
Lest should I cease to breathe
Offer me nothing, not even a care
Let me roam, unsettled, like a ghost
Let me be there where we walked together
And walk that trail

let me

Let me fall into the sky
And be amongst the birds that fly, soar
But hold me from drifting away
When the storm cloud rises, and the lightning cracks the skies
Let me float endlessly
In the ocean so blue, where the fish swim
Be the anchor that holds me
Steady and still in the unforgiving waves
When you think of me, wave in the breeze
Your essence shall touch me
Keep me warm in your thoughts
Comfort me, when this heart misses you
If you pass me by, perchance that I be blind
Your scent shall let me know
That I am still alive, I shall smile
Knowing you are well
In discomfort, if one shall slip past my prayers
Should it visit you, send it to me
I shall welcome it, down on bended knees
And after all, if I am alone, and you lost to time
I shall look back, to the lake, to the path you walked on
Sear my soul to cast your imagery
Warm my hands, in the flame of your memories

Blur

I can’t understand
Why this heart longs for you
And if I have to know, it’s been beyond feelings
Scorched, dried and turned to ash it has been
And then you change it
Would you be here , just to mock my love
Have my sins been so grave that I shall be tormented forever
If so why does this heart long for this endless pain
To run away from you and to you am back again
All this while that you fade
Into the dark skies of the night
And wake me up each morning
To crave, to hear you speak, of the weather, of the land, anything
And then to fade again
This heart has called out to you
It has known pain, of losing, of missing
Did you only mend it, give it life
Only to bleed it again?
In my complete surrender
Did I commit my gravest mistake?
The mind that has been stirred
Is at unrest, awaiting a glimpse,
If only; a glimpse of you.

A while has passed, since you passed my way
and the moment seems so strong , the mind holds on
Casting nothing but a glow of loneliness and dismay
Hear my calling , come my way
Far too long have these days been
and seeming less silence in my ears
they just await one voice, yours, so serene, a fabric of warmth
cover me with those words again
Inside this heart , i harbour your absence
The storm of your absence , wailing in the heart, now hollow
I have known what pain could be, I have been dead for long
you brought me back to life, life hurts again
Confer to me a wish to feel your gentle touch,
Confer to me to see your gentle smile
For i have seen it once, and this greed for living years .

Solitude has perseverance
And it is catches up quick,
I look, I run but I can only do so much
‘You’ I and the ‘I’ you that left me behind
Which side is the winning line?
Which side is to lose?
Where will I stand if I have to choose?
Shall I dance to my loss for the ones I love have won?
Shall I cry to realize that they wouldn’t care less?
Your dogma, your perception
Your ramblings and musings
Your minds, a cage with a dying bird
My mind a dead cavern, without even that
And when our worlds collide
I shall gently bow down and let you pass first
For all I need to know is you are safe
And all I care is if you can smile

My Path.

Beware that you may step
Into a realm of uneasiness
Into pain and sorrows unknown
And if you shall ask, who left your hand
When you turn back and see you are lone
Ask not me, for you have become me
One, lost , never to be found

The first bee that would arrive, shalt despise
If you were a flower
The first spring shall leave you a bud
And stay shut to your self
The eye of a lover shall always ignore ye
And so shall the other flowers
And you shall just wilt
In the eve at the set

The first rain drop shall dry, abhor your existence
If ye were the earth
The herds shall never graze
For no grass shalt grow on thine
And parched shall ye be in this flood
And none shalt quench thy thirst
And you shalt be called cursed
Deemed unfit for love and life

If ye decides to follow thy heart
And follow it must one should
But remember the offspring that are borne
In a fertile mind are rarely understood
Some shall be your undoing
Some shall be your pain
Some shall break your heart
And some may scorch your soul

Pity no one shall
Nor shall I account
For you walked the stony path
That I walked once alone
If I see ye over the corner weeping in dismay
I shall walk over, warm your hands
And simply walk away
This loneliness is my curse and it shall always be
For this is mine and only mine
For this is all I have.

Abbott died today.

At the corner of the drug store
Where we all would often meet, greet and bid good byes
Have been called, again this time
One of us has passed away
The dress code is black
The day seems so much in gloom
I pass by the kids in the park they call out
I always carry candy for them, we all did
Small town; the folks knew each other’s names
First middle and last
A utopian model, unbelievable

The town folk had gathered with the priest
He says things that seem so false
And he talks of a better place, some where the angels where tread
I refute such claims, usually, yet I let it pass this once
I can see his widow, she doesn’t weep
She sits there holding his hand, she hasn’t moved
Last night when Abbott went to bed
He gently slept, unsounding, and turned stiff
She looks at the priest and asks
‘has the lord left me alone, did he forget how my life was his breath’

The priest silenced by such a word
Looked up to the heavenly cloud
And then I could see the tear roll down his cheek
For laurel post that question had passed away
Together forever in life in death
They had fulfilled their solemn oath

I looked at my wife just then
She stopped her weeping, walked up to laurel
Kissed her forehead and prayed for her soul
Whilst the rest of us stilled in that moment
On of love inseparable even in death
She came over to me and held my hand
I wept this time for the love I felt
I told her ‘I shall follow you like laurel has’
But never die first like Abbott did

For I am afraid to let go of your hand
Let the lord take us both, but not one
And I went down to my knees after long
Held her hands and prayed
He bears witness , from the clouds above
A wish I make to thee, if ye send for her then send as well for me
Let us be in each other’s arms
breathe our last; in love’s symphony.