Voices

What could I say, make believe, fantasize?
When the world I see is not mine
Where are the things I miss, why do I,
And what shall happen next, why I think
And mention such, and so much that makes no sense
Debt ridden, doubt harboring, daft and desolate my heart

How shall I while away these thoughts?
The ones that visit me only a few seconds every minute
And spoil the the 15 left
With me ending up a worry wart
Is it me or is it my choices that has brought me here, left me behind
Or is it my ignorance, that I subject my heart to such callousness

I shall not find an answer, no one does, nor will anyone
I talk for myself, not you, not him nor her
Why does the heart feel so lost?
And left isolated again, and over
Amongst the millions of souls I own

Such to ask are vile and in vain, in a heart load of pain,
What shall I ask more than lunacy!
As I feel it’s set out to meet me already
Where will we meet, when shall we, somewhere deep I hear,
My heart thinks aloud, I await now, stare into space

In waiting

Fade, then elude me again
Appear on the horizon of my world
Look down from the corridors of the dreams
The one that i see with open eyes
I reachout to touch the image
Only for it to swirl and evade
Shall i fly, reach the heights , see those eyes
To find the colour in them , unknown to me
Or shall i fall, only to crave for it again
These are my questions i do not have answers for
But i shall find them
Find you, someday
Untill then

Butterflies:

I feel the warmth in a tear from your eye, she said
Chance meetings shall always bring me these when it’s time to bid goodbye, I said
Shall you always be so sad to see me distant, she asked
I shall not, said I, for this heart of mine may die soon in such limitless torture of your absence
Fancy words, I know these are not dear, but the truth, said her lips
But leave I have to for we have to meet again, she spoke so gently
I could have died and again, the sorrow would have never ended, I felt
Shakespeare was right, part we must, said I
The day rolled by
Like some boulder,
Falling,
Pushed forcefully, by the landslide.
The season was fresh as the morning past the first rain
She came back, in my arms, this time forever she said, when I asked
For in last hour I wish to be with you, for it is in your arms I wish to die
Watching your wings, flutter and fan me, in the one week we have of life.

Dear Dearest

My song for the woman called wife:

Dear Dearest,
=========================
Its always been a wish
to fly with the birds, far from known
only to rest, eat, fly again
to get to the destination i call home
somewhere in the clouds
I shall fly once, at least may try once
Will you fly alongside?
I promise to be the leading bird
now and forever, to help you fly easy
I still await you
Amongst these misty hills
arrive, whenever you please
I will wait, forever..

Transit

Am on the road again.
And all that I have known is fading fast
It’s a blur, when I look back
Receding lanes, forgotten faces
Feeling the needles of the winter chill
The open jeep , I never drove at a 160 before, I did it now
The mind paralyzed , frozen in desires forsaken long
I am not one with me, unlike men, I can see me, as if on 35 mm
often rewound and replayed
I move on
Someday I will stop and look back
Watch myself fade as the road does now

In Remembering

Steel etches on paper through a ribbon
As I render my thoughts , I stop often and think of her
Her touch so tender like silken sheets, she sleeps cuddled onto me
Her unrobed self touching my skin, warming me,
Mesmerize me, to a frenzy and back, only to repeat the trip
She dissolves into my blood each time she looks at me
Make me lust for her, a little more each time
Amongst the palm trees where we setup the hammock
And lay beside each other
She looked at the skies , held herself close to me
Asked me to love her so forever
I was a river, a seasonal, a flavor to taste once in a while
She knew, she wished mine forever
My sinful retreat, she belonged elsewhere, only chance meetings, lampposts and all
Those nights she met, we forgot all we knew, little things and larger
Those three days she was mine, only mine
Once summer came, she drove through, I held her and didn’t let her go
She had to, her husband awaited, I knew
She did leave, only to run back to me
Cried to me why she couldn’t see, how good we were together
I was a vagabond then, I am one now
We shared a kiss before we parted last
She bit my lip unknowingly in grief, it bled
I could feel her hunger for love, her desire to be mine
Together we flew, amongst the mountains, amongst the ponds and rivers
Away into the sunset, when we returned she smiled
She saw her body on the ground where she stood, her hands in mine
“ I’ve waited 23 years for this”, since you killed yourself to prove your love for me
Forever now, as we will ever be.

memories of the burn

Hold me in your arms once again , make me forget
The bastard who has sunk a splinter deep in my heart
Who makes me wake up in shock sometimes
When I recall him choking my mother’s neck
I wish to forget in the caramel , that my childhood was stolen from me
And make me giggle and glee with joy
Make me want to live, then help me live again
Bring into my sense a feeling of belonging, fade away the trauma of long gone
That has etched within me what shall always remain, a thorn in my soul
At least make the pain subside
Make sweet love to me, immerse me in the liquor of your eyes
And make me long for you, make my stomach churn
Make it hurt, but for you, not for a heal to the past
I lit his pyre on a July of 91
And made my soul smile, watching him ash

Lust forever

I wake up and often remember, the strawberries between her lips
the chocolate dripping down her chin
she loved them, often just to tease me she would display such
I went weak each time she did, she knew
and to caress her, bite the earlobe..
douse her in wine and drink it from her lips
pull her closer to me brush my cheek covered with the stubble
invoke goose pimples on her skin
smell it, tug her hair, for the want of touching her eyelashes with mine
and tickle them till she smiles
giving up in ecstasy, submitting herself to me and calling my name
hold her in my arms and kiss her now stuttering belly button
look deep and stare into her eyes
make her awake, but lost in the sensation of the moment
run the fingers through her hair
hold her with her back against my chest
nip gently on her neck and taste the shoulder and neck
make her quiver in the teasing and not stop
while she giggles and make her mad in a frenzy
let the satin tease her skin and make her pores awaken again
quench the thirst her's and mine
for the want of passion, till the day turns to night and night fades into day
and then look into her eyes and tell her i am her's
each birth of mine
i solicit such moments, then and now

Lust

It was lust,
Her eyes seemed to gnaw on my soul
I had felt sensations like never before
She had the charm of a black magician,
My black magic woman.
She would have been nice, She chose not to
Of the other victims she chose me,
Made me feel special, Took me on a high ride
Tarnished my piousness
I still urge for her warmth, to hold her close, to taste her
And she was gone when I blinked
As the wind dies out when , rattling the leaves
Amongst the rustle I can still feel her ,
And my body yearns for her touch
To wash her in and drink the wine off her face
To touch her skin, the way her chest feels
Pressed against mine, eye to eye ,waist to mine
I wake up in some wet dreams, search for the pleasure
Unable still to touch, a skin different from her or mine
For her essence is sewn to my mind
Blistering and tormented, the lack of her touch like poison
Spread through my vein ,making me feel helpless
Waiting to be dead and reborn again, to bite into her flesh again
And express my love, while we are making love
Endless, melting away the time
Forever

Dead before Admittance

The blues shall call me
And take me away
Take me in its depths; embrace me in its calmness
Merge me into the darkness
And fade me away, but the memories in me shall remain
And when long forgotten i am i still shall remember
My heart warmed in a presence, now cannot bring it back
For the i have left the world behind
Those skies faded in the first light
The autumn breeze stopped short of touching me,
Maybe it did, i don’t know, i couldn't feel
And the sky grew nightly
Something hurt, but felt it fade,
My dreams have now all run away
And so has her voice,
The ears stopped yearning for her voice
Once which soothed,
It was long ago, back then, i could play
I was crippled, love a handicap
I still miss her now and then

Echoes in the darkness

She often sits there, beside me, her feet in the water flowing
she will often blink, ask me silly things
things that bring joy, hurt now in her absence
she would ask, why is the sky blue? why do birds sing?
I would answer the sky is tee reflection of your blue eyes
the birds are the echo of your voice
she would call my name, i would hold her close
feel the blood in my veins , it had warmth
I woke up today,nowhere,
I can hear her sometimes, calling my name

My Errs

blink, catch the world , yours
in convenient times, and then rattle the memories, stay
remain in a motionless state, die
and whisper to the earth what you missed
you were never young, never old, never the new born
you were never a company missed
you are still now, not that anyone cares
not that any needs are not met
why do the need you, he is old enough now
he was the day he kicked his heels and said goodbye
and spilt his toxins country wide,
die, don?t wait up on me, already
you die now Mother Earth, you die.

It must have been her

Thoughts

 
 

Curls unfurl, the winds blow , she turns

She looks my way, I stay still

And she asks me , are you in love with me?

I say "no, I cannot"

She walks further, she looks back again, "do u really love me?"

I say "no, I wish I could"

She walks further away, now feeling a little lone

"Do you really not love me?"

I ask, "if I say yes shall you walk with me , Without a question, without a sound Where I shall carry you?"

"Yes " she said, "I shall, but who are you"

"I am death, I have come for you"

I could see the pink on her face stay, unlike mortals I have seen prior

"You are not afraid of me dear" I ask,

She walked to me, "I love you, for you shall take me with you , today or tomorrow, unlike mortals"

I smiled, carried her home, forever

And when the wind calls....

I heard her calling, over the mountains
The valleys echoed her gentle voice
my sleep was stirred , my eyes opened
when her voice touched my eyes like a gentle feather

it had been since long
I felt the thirst , I wanted a drink of her sight
gathering myself I visited the river side
again the wind had tricked me.

Since she left I have been lost
I search her for finding myself somehow
sometimes in joy and sometimes in pain
I cry , tear less

This is me

Words that touch, move, remind,reminiscent of gone by, they hurt
and your memories arrive, find me
remind me of pain and fade, like the winds touch and go
and i wake in my open eyed sleep

Long gone Spring

Red, like the shade of my own flows
under my skin, the sun sets across
the night falls, its chill piercing my soul
and I curl into myself under the black sky

I yearn for her touch, her voice, her smell
and I feel the pain in my heart
like a thousand needles
inching through my skin

only to scrape it, the sweat then would make it burn the next day
and remind me of my pains of yesterday
only to bring me more of such trauma
of loving a passing spring flower

and then one day I shall lay
on my back, open eyes, not anymore blink
and call out in a silent inaudible cry
that time it shall be the eye, stoned in your waiting

The Fires of yesterday

I was back again, from where I had run away
the dream had put me back, like a stone thrown somewhere
against its will and destiny
A familiar place, I tried to hide beneath the bushes
I smelt the fumes, I knew what was in the fire
my dreams, they were my dreams that were burning
of a stranger I had looked in the eye and had eyed all my life
the same on who walked out, why did she
my answerers were mine to choose
for her trail were lined with the flames
flames of my passion for her
they would burn brighter , each second I remembered her
like to burn away my presence only to save me again and again,
the dream had brought back my fears,
I lived it again, and i knew it shall be back to haunt
and I shall pay heed, of hurting myself,
and i shall be unable to resist
my falling for her again.

Amongst that

I still wander there in the hopes
Where finding you is never felt
But the lament of heart keeps my perusal alive
When I walk the countryside now
Seeing the mist trail
Somehow they swirl
Like you tread through them, and ran
Hid amongst the mountainside
Or maybe by the lake
Sometimes the winds shall blow the mist away
I wish they don’t and the mist stays
For your only form of presence left visible now
Where my imagination is in rendition
Amongst the old mist trail

In the twilight

In a twilight, when I was alone, sitting in the darkness
Like the loneliness had forever captured made me its slave
I saw a face looking into my home,
Searching something in its darkness
I felt I knew her, I tried gnawing at my past
But it wasn’t , but it felt so known
Amongst the fog lit doorway I saw a face
I was transfixed, like a spell was cast
You called my name, I forgot mine at that
I wanted to reach out, touch that face
i woke up, I still try to find that dream

lost in his forest of thoughts.

Animesh this is for you
=========================================
Lost in his forest of thoughts.
=========================================
He walked through the forest,
His new found land a place in his mind
Kept hidden away from the world’s sight
he is king, the lone ruler, his kingdom without a boundary
he has ruled since he was a child
the hair grey , shows weariness, his forehead wrinkled
his eyes still smile, catch yours, transfix them
and then he laughs sometimes, into the empty night
talks to it, I guess he is mad
I still don’t agree to my guess though, I admit his sanity
He lived his way, hurt, alone, in sad
but you can never tell, he never told you
he didn’t tell me, but I watched him as I grew

He died today, in his sleep
he was holding an envelope, the money he owed
I was tired of declining so I drove to pick it up
I read a note attached, “brother here is yours “,
“I cannot go with dues at hand.”
I felt my heart sink in my chest
Poor brother Ani had died
now his soul is lost,
lost in his forest of thoughts.