A Stalemate

The Fires of passion

2012-02-06T23:22:00.002+05:30

Should all that I have known change
Bring to dust all my dreams
I should rest in peace knowing
There was passion in knowing you

If evil should I be called
And shalt be declared a lustful beast
My soul shall not seek shelter
From the name calling ever

In the fire of passion for you
My heart was warm, my soul burnt bright
And to those who know not love
Need to agree with me

That love shall die, a slow cold death
Without the fire of passion
And from its fires I forged the blade of love
And stabbed my heart for thee

If you shalt visit my grave
Touch the earth where I lie
Don't say a word, for they don't mean a thing
Just stand there, where this lover lays.

The three of us.

2012-01-03T14:00:00.000+05:30

We share the same room, me and death

Discussing the state of my ailing friend

“Would you mind if I take him along “ asks death

“I would, should I not?” I ask

“He is my friend, a companion of times long

“Some happy, most worst, when I would hail out to him

“He would rush to my calling

“Why should I let you take him now?” I argue

“A great friend he is, I no doubt agree.

And miss him you shall, I must agree

But I am your friend too, you should see

I was here since eternity

All that is born shall one day leave

When it is time, they come to me” says death.

“Since you call me a friend death, please favour me

Let him live again, please let him be

And I shall take his place, and come with you

And see him live, a few more years

So that I know he has lived a full life

Hear my please, please acknowledge this plea

Let him be, please let him be “ I beg

“I accept this only if you answer,

A question as twisted as life itself

And when you answer I shall ask

If you still want to let him be” said death

“I shall take you, and let him live

But he shall be ailing till he dies,

His body has outlived his chartered time

And since you took his place, lone he shall be

No one to look at him and say it will be better

He shall then be forced to live in misery

Ailing being better than misery

So my earnest friend what shall it be?

A life of his misery for him,

Or shall you keep his thoughts in your heart

And warm it each time you think of him? “ Death asks.

“Take him with you, let me cry

And then grow out of it knowing he shall be in a betterplace

Away from his ailing, away from his pain

Into the arms of the universe, I shall look up, into thestars, smile at them

Knowing he would miss me as I would

When I die, I shall die happy

Knowing I shall meet him, amongst the creation” I pray.

My dear Cocoma

2011-11-19T10:23:00.001+05:30

She would walk, gallop like a ponyfollow me as a tail, everywher i walkedand if i looked at her she would look backwag her tail, as me to lift her up to mewe had named her so many thingsevery 5 minutes of my life she would get a new nameShe would respond to every callfight for her space between my feet to sleepshe would put me to sleep on the restless of nightsshe would stop me from waking up earlyEach time i would get ready to go to work she would hate itDays have gone by when we would sleep all daywith her at my right chestthe left occupied by my wifeShe was so aliveI would always ask her "Why are you so cute?"She finally answered it yesterdayShe was so cute because she was meAnd Whne i buried her, i buried myselfI put a picture of me beside her bodySo that if she wakes up from a nightmare in her eternal sleepShe would look at my picture and sleepKnowing that I care for herAnd that I am with herForever.We slept at 10 last nightI woke up at 5 Am, awakened by the cries of her fatherAn old 16 year old frail dog , that is unable to walkHe still searched limping on the three ones that workIts not even a day since she partedbut the day feels like a year already

I live on

2011-03-26T03:07:00.002+05:30

i could have been dead once
into oblivion, lost to decay
No hand would have stretched out
none could warm this soul
Yet I survived, a curse, to live
witness the world
watch it turn the knife in my soul
gentle, hurting me yet keeping me alive
such is an existence, one i could abhor
Even death mocks me
if i should ever rise
i have my own ones to bring me to my knees
to cry, the tears are gone
to bleed , there is nothing left in the heart
to escape, there is no hope in my soul
to win, god didn't write me that fate
i await, in my prison
just to writhe in pain, whimper in the night
beg for an end
yet i live on

Forego

2011-03-26T02:56:00.003+05:30

Tread amongst the rustling leaves
hear her walking amongst
a youth, nothing to care about
I just wonder at her passing
like the gentle touch of bombax
floating in the summer breeze
like the boats that the children float
beside the pond, in the stream
if to confront her , I ask myself
and if not then she will never know
but if she knew what this heart felt
would she cast a gentle glance
such a risk is too great to take
and since it may be a mistake
To forego her just passing every now and then
I stand there at my porch to catch a glimpse

Exiting Rosemont.

2011-02-18T05:58:00.000+05:30

I am at the crossroads again
Like the past the choice is made
One end goes to my road to be rode
The other that the mind wants to hold
Twenty years ago almost
I had the choice made for me
It’s been made for me again this time
And again I am compelled to choose otherwise
On one side is my world where I can be free
Far from the devices that tie me
The other a routine
Just another frame for my existence
This side loneliness, unknown and pain
And the journey I take is to the light
A thing of joy to most souls
But happiness is what I abhor
Will this be a homecoming?
Or will it be a walk where I leave my self behind
I still can feel the 5th of December
The day my I felt at home in Rosemont.

Farthest

2011-02-17T09:34:00.006+05:30

When I stopped to compare
Your absence and the skies above
The distance seemed to be insignificant
And found the sky touching my feet.

So I thought to compare
The sun and the earth that stands great
And I could just blink and touch the sun
Compared to missing you here

So I thought of the heavens
How further is god, since he is unseen?
I feel in heaven when I hear you speak
Maybe that distance is still short then

So I found it hard to compare
The sky, the sun, heaven seemed nothing
For I could go the distance bare feet
Just to see that you are smiling.

2011-02-16T09:49:00.001+05:30

If the woe that I hide shall unravel
And you see this heart bleed, just look away
Like you always did, and pray to be forgiven
Walk along like you are in your world
And If you shall wait to see, close your eyes
Watch me writhe in agony
Ignore me, walk on
Like you were blind
If you stop to ask
Why does this heart bleed, touch yours
Ask yours, what you are to me
You shall know that my soul is second to loving you

Etched in deep meanings

2011-02-14T08:37:00.004+05:30

If to walk this earth alone, shall I forever be condemned
And that when I shall pass, all I walk on shall be barren
Into the glorious world that everyone who sees
My eyes are just tinted with these haunting miseries
My original sin that I loved
And that has now borne fruit, unlike those that bring joys
I speak to the empty walls of my heart
Everything about me, an antithesis
Where one finds laughter, I find hurt
The soul now an empty aura of nothingness
And I am bound to like in this existence
When I raise my arms to the skies
Even the wind refuses to touch my palms
And the soil beneath, fails to take me in her arms
The spring bears no bloom in my garden
The brook where I once waited, now dried
The birds seem to never visit, not a robin, not a crow in sight
Nothing has been the same, nothing has changed past that
The moment you left, the last glimpse of you I caught
The will to smile followed you, as you wandered off
In a chance meeting, if you see it, just send it to me
Just point towards my direction
for the wind shall know that you thought of me
And it shall touch me, passing by.

Purpose

2011-02-12T21:52:00.002+05:30

Mounds of sand, nothing alive for miles
Like Atacama, nothing but nothing all surround
Futile, yet the heart chased a thirst
Found an oasis, crawled to it, and breathed its last
With open eyes, peering into that mirage
Like so many of the same it had witnessed and walked to
And all that walk ever did was weaken that thirst bearer
Causing its demise, its fall
A lifeless body, it’s back to the heavens
In death too, staring into the oasis
As if wishing the mirage shall move
And in a way bring life back
For the heart that doomed itself
Foolish it seems, yet the heart could never think
There was a purpose it was made
A purpose it should have learnt to understand
And give up, when it sees so many around
It is to love, break, bleed and die
============================================================
this one is to you.. and i hope it is not as pathetic as the rest of what i have written.

An Evening to remember.

2011-02-08T06:08:00.000+05:30

An evening to remember
Of the downy flake, and the time spent
In mesmerized overtones, in silent agreement
Acceptance of the inevitable
Should I have been cautious to tread
Into the unknown realm of your mystic existence
Confined to your chains of wishes
Heed your calling, even wait for one
And the night seems to grow strong
Morning; just is too far away, seemingly endless the darkness
What should it be, a smile or a sigh
That you are in my timeless mind
Or in a mindless time, existing like drops of oil on water
Never to mix, yet shades it to a rainbow
My heart longs, the mind has given up
It’s caught in this stalemate
Somewhere between their standoff is my soul searching for me
One that was offered at the first gaze
Lest should I cease to breathe
Offer me nothing, not even a care
Let me roam, unsettled, like a ghost
Let me be there where we walked together
And walk that trail

let me

2011-02-05T09:22:00.002+05:30

Let me fall into the sky
And be amongst the birds that fly, soar
But hold me from drifting away
When the storm cloud rises, and the lightning cracks the skies
Let me float endlessly
In the ocean so blue, where the fish swim
Be the anchor that holds me
Steady and still in the unforgiving waves
When you think of me, wave in the breeze
Your essence shall touch me
Keep me warm in your thoughts
Comfort me, when this heart misses you
If you pass me by, perchance that I be blind
Your scent shall let me know
That I am still alive, I shall smile
Knowing you are well
In discomfort, if one shall slip past my prayers
Should it visit you, send it to me
I shall welcome it, down on bended knees
And after all, if I am alone, and you lost to time
I shall look back, to the lake, to the path you walked on
Sear my soul to cast your imagery
Warm my hands, in the flame of your memories

Blur

2011-02-05T07:41:00.000+05:30

I can’t understand
Why this heart longs for you
And if I have to know, it’s been beyond feelings
Scorched, dried and turned to ash it has been
And then you change it
Would you be here , just to mock my love
Have my sins been so grave that I shall be tormented forever
If so why does this heart long for this endless pain
To run away from you and to you am back again
All this while that you fade
Into the dark skies of the night
And wake me up each morning
To crave, to hear you speak, of the weather, of the land, anything
And then to fade again
This heart has called out to you
It has known pain, of losing, of missing
Did you only mend it, give it life
Only to bleed it again?
In my complete surrender
Did I commit my gravest mistake?
The mind that has been stirred
Is at unrest, awaiting a glimpse,
If only; a glimpse of you.

2011-02-04T05:51:00.004+05:30

A while has passed, since you passed my way
and the moment seems so strong , the mind holds on
Casting nothing but a glow of loneliness and dismay
Hear my calling , come my way
Far too long have these days been
and seeming less silence in my ears
they just await one voice, yours, so serene, a fabric of warmth
cover me with those words again
Inside this heart , i harbour your absence
The storm of your absence , wailing in the heart, now hollow
I have known what pain could be, I have been dead for long
you brought me back to life, life hurts again
Confer to me a wish to feel your gentle touch,
Confer to me to see your gentle smile
For i have seen it once, and this greed for living years .

2011-02-03T10:32:00.000+05:30

Solitude has perseverance
And it is catches up quick,
I look, I run but I can only do so much
‘You’ I and the ‘I’ you that left me behind
Which side is the winning line?
Which side is to lose?
Where will I stand if I have to choose?
Shall I dance to my loss for the ones I love have won?
Shall I cry to realize that they wouldn’t care less?
Your dogma, your perception
Your ramblings and musings
Your minds, a cage with a dying bird
My mind a dead cavern, without even that
And when our worlds collide
I shall gently bow down and let you pass first
For all I need to know is you are safe
And all I care is if you can smile

My Path.

2011-02-02T09:19:00.001+05:30

Beware that you may step
Into a realm of uneasiness
Into pain and sorrows unknown
And if you shall ask, who left your hand
When you turn back and see you are lone
Ask not me, for you have become me
One, lost , never to be found

The first bee that would arrive, shalt despise
If you were a flower
The first spring shall leave you a bud
And stay shut to your self
The eye of a lover shall always ignore ye
And so shall the other flowers
And you shall just wilt
In the eve at the set

The first rain drop shall dry, abhor your existence
If ye were the earth
The herds shall never graze
For no grass shalt grow on thine
And parched shall ye be in this flood
And none shalt quench thy thirst
And you shalt be called cursed
Deemed unfit for love and life

If ye decides to follow thy heart
And follow it must one should
But remember the offspring that are borne
In a fertile mind are rarely understood
Some shall be your undoing
Some shall be your pain
Some shall break your heart
And some may scorch your soul

Pity no one shall
Nor shall I account
For you walked the stony path
That I walked once alone
If I see ye over the corner weeping in dismay
I shall walk over, warm your hands
And simply walk away
This loneliness is my curse and it shall always be
For this is mine and only mine
For this is all I have.

Abbott died today.

2011-01-31T07:42:00.002+05:30

At the corner of the drug store
Where we all would often meet, greet and bid good byes
Have been called, again this time
One of us has passed away
The dress code is black
The day seems so much in gloom
I pass by the kids in the park they call out
I always carry candy for them, we all did
Small town; the folks knew each other’s names
First middle and last
A utopian model, unbelievable

The town folk had gathered with the priest
He says things that seem so false
And he talks of a better place, some where the angels where tread
I refute such claims, usually, yet I let it pass this once
I can see his widow, she doesn’t weep
She sits there holding his hand, she hasn’t moved
Last night when Abbott went to bed
He gently slept, unsounding, and turned stiff
She looks at the priest and asks
‘has the lord left me alone, did he forget how my life was his breath’

The priest silenced by such a word
Looked up to the heavenly cloud
And then I could see the tear roll down his cheek
For laurel post that question had passed away
Together forever in life in death
They had fulfilled their solemn oath

I looked at my wife just then
She stopped her weeping, walked up to laurel
Kissed her forehead and prayed for her soul
Whilst the rest of us stilled in that moment
On of love inseparable even in death
She came over to me and held my hand
I wept this time for the love I felt
I told her ‘I shall follow you like laurel has’
But never die first like Abbott did

For I am afraid to let go of your hand
Let the lord take us both, but not one
And I went down to my knees after long
Held her hands and prayed
He bears witness , from the clouds above
A wish I make to thee, if ye send for her then send as well for me
Let us be in each other’s arms
breathe our last; in love’s symphony.

Tinkle.

2011-01-31T06:36:00.001+05:30

There lay many, where the pieces fell before
Often i hear them crash, whilst a piece falls over another
The heart still cracking up, slowly, a fragment each time
Of glass made, that was shattered, into a million pieces,
One heart, mine
Now gone cold, lifeless, devoid of all feelings; save for pain
And of longing, the soul dreams of
Though the days pass like drifting clouds
The sun shines on those broken shards
Reflecting you,
Warm glow, flower beds and green fields
They are nothing, if not a taunt
Of reminiscent memories, some painful, salient

Revival

2011-01-30T05:37:00.000+05:30

I am singing you a heartfelt song
Whilst the seagulls glide gracefully above
Will you be there when the morning comes?
And hold me when the moon shines
Will you hear the crickets, sitting on the park bench under the light?
And look into my eyes, just to find me dissolving into yours
And shall you rest your head against mine
While we share the time, saying nothing, while I hold you in my arms
Let me hold the book you read, turn the page as you need
Drink in the scent of your warmth, lying beside you
When you turn off the reading light let me hold your hand
And sleep with you in my arms, share and see the same dream
Go mad with you and play in the snow
Let me make a snow ball and hand it over
To throw it at me, so your hands don’t turn cold
Let me stir your coffee, while you stir it
Let’s sit like we did once eons ago
Let me hear you breathe, and feel that I breathe too
For this heart has learnt to miss again
And it weeps like a child to hold you

Maddened

2011-01-29T10:32:00.002+05:30

They still play that song, down by the inn
Where we had coffee, and I drank
I was drunk in the moment with you
Filled up my heart in the melody of your voice
Whilst we discussed over things that never mattered
Neither to you nor to me, just to converse
Our glasses stood next to each other, like they wanted to dance
And I never asked if you wanted to, I apologize
Too shy to say I had two left feet
They guys still go crazy when they watch TV
When Knopfler sings ‘postcards from Paraguay’…
They sometimes raise a toast to that empty chair
Of the table I sit at, to let me feel that they see you too
I know they lie, for they don’t have my eyes
But lie in good spirit, would you come on by?
They ask sometimes when they meet me speaking to you
On the road, where we once took a stroll
Buddies;
They always cheer me up
And keep that bleed in check, some I see with tearful eyes
I know you are gone, but why do I still see you
Feel your presence,
In each flake of snow I see, each ray of sunlight that falls
Like an omnipotence, endless like the universe itself
And why do I walk on, talking to you, hearing you speak to me
In the rustling leaves, the gentle whistle of the wind
I may have been maddened, but I like it there
I keeps you with me

The life of The Nair

2011-01-29T09:13:00.001+05:30

A million years, since we met
Since you snuggled up to me and gently wept
In happiness
When you were sad, afraid, I promised I won’t let go
The winter’s waning, the fog gentle as your touch
Has cast itself on me, still warm in thoughts
The morning glow, I remember distinct, your hair shimmered in
The pavement we walked along, together,
I see us walking each time I look
Each day has passed as thousand days..
And you still far away, if you look over the ledge do you see me?
Standing there, with flowers, awaiting you to run to me
Much time has passed indeed, and this heart now frail
The soul now on a broken leash
Was that you who just rang the chimes?
Was that you who called out my name?
Was that you who just passed by?
Truly a million years must’ve passed.
And this soul still survives
Maybe its journey is at end
Maybe it waits to catch a glimpse of you again
Playing amongst the daisies in my back yard
Gently blowing the dew drops away on mornings like these
You warmed a soul; it needs your warmth again
But I will wait another million years
Bask in your memories, and then silently fade
Like those wildflowers of my garden…

Meander.

2011-01-27T06:31:00.001+05:30

The beautiful sky above, the flight of the swans gliding
the rays gentle touch their faces turning orange
in the morning glow
the mist , of the mangrove, so calming
painting faces of the many before me, as they gently sing in harmony
the trees green reach for the skies, the little birds tweet
harboring their nests, and the younglings chirp
as the river meanders, gently the fish swimming upstream
the river bed so clear and distinct
where a tortoise often drinks, while a butterfly rests on its nose
It fights but then again its just love, they do it forever
the cool waters lashing against my body
floating , my eyes open skywards
dead, the eyes still alive, in search of someone
as the world awakes,
the river carries me endlessly , on my final journey
to be one with the earth, blend in her
and let free of my dreams, wishes and longings
mixing me into nothingness…..

utterings of a prisoner

2011-01-25T09:13:00.003+05:30

Talk to me, be there in those images I see
Touch my heart, make this time melt away
Look at me and say that you missed me
Whisper , gently as you do, let the winds carry your voice
They know their way,
If i was deaf i could feel them, if i was blind i could see them
You could wake up my long dead soul
You could bring down the walls of my fear of love, of smiling
I know not who you are, if you are God sent.
I know not why, and why for one forsaken so long ago
Let me follow you, eyes closed, bound to your essence
Feel your perfume guiding me, tugging me away
Far from the sorrows that keep me a prisoner
of my own self, of my own doings
free me, unlock this mind
Let this soul soar high again, let your love be the wind beneath its wings
and when I descend, and if it was my final flight
tell me you'll love me, you shall bring my soul back again.

empty

2011-01-25T07:46:00.002+05:30

Where I once had love, now all it shelters is fear
Agonized by the ever present , omnipotent absence
The mind now a cavern, hollow, yet standing
Your thoughts flow constant, in gentle streams

There are times when the darkness haunts me
The darkness within, so empty so lone
It misses your touch, gentle; was a known term
Now the walls of this cavern are dry

Sometimes a raging river would run when you were aside
Would gently foam lashing against the seascape so serene
A seascape built of you and me, destroyed by the time’s symphony
Decays the soul that lives there, in that cavern

Summers, and winters have gone by, so have the rains
All drenched me, except my soul
For the faux pas of fear, of a heart, an engraved memory
Kept the cave out of reach, untended

When the day beckons, I am one with the devices that tie me
When its eve I sit and gaze at the skies
I sometimes try to smile, but laugh in my sadness
Each time the cavern mocks at me.

Purge

2011-01-11T10:12:00.002+05:30

Ravage my soul
let me lose control
find you in my mind, erase it
Purge my thoughts
Feed this blind brain thought
Equalize what once was High
get my head out of the clouds
rip my heart to shreds
And when all is done
sew me together and leave me, again
Maybe then I shall write again.

Deep within my self
I have concealed your thoughts
Wicked and sacrilege, of lust and desertion
You can see the fight in my eyes
if you look into them, your innocence breeds my craving
of you, a mere possession , mere flesh
I shall not be the one, who shall soothe your hurt
Nor shall I be the one you have waited for
I am only a speck, blowing in the wind
tomorrow I may be gone

Knowing this would you just breathe easy
and extend your hand, surrender your self to me
be in pain, exist so forever there on
for a moment of oneness with you?
I would have if I was you and you were me.
I wont ask for an answer for you are not me.
I depart now.

A White blanket

2010-12-22T02:09:00.001+05:30

A deep breath and it hurts my lungs
bleeds my lips, bites into my fingers
It looks beautiful, yet I hate it
the cold , the snow, the chilly wind

Reminiscent

2010-11-28T02:01:00.001+05:30

From the shadow
Of a mind hiding a dark past
Surfaces a face, gentle, haunting, beautiful
Stirs up my mind, strumming my heart
Butterflies fluttering in the belly
Apart from this childish imagery of a teen falling for a girl
A thirst for her flesh
A lust for her love
Like a cannon ball
Shattering a wall of gentle rose petals
The lust too much to evade
The longing for her touch like a million needles
Piercing my skin, bleeding lust
The air thick, with the evil of this thought
Like a vice , tightening around my lungs
Killing me morally
Her existence, an embodiment of lust
I can only follow,shattered,lacking will.

I wish i lived back then.

2010-06-24T02:15:00.001+05:30

Back then life had a meaning
a meaning as deep as the universe itself
Back in the times of Che,
To have ridden with him , to have spoken , heard him
his ideas , his thoughts
so much alike,
A ‘one man army’ of indefinite proportions
and the youth of today wear his face
in tattoos, on clothes
grin as if they know,
The revolution is dead Che
no more do they think of equality
its a lost art
I wish i had lived in your times
i wish I had died with you.

Reruns

2010-06-20T18:17:00.001+05:30

Clear, the skies, beautiful evenings
As far as the eyes can see.
Blue, a tinge of red blending the setting sun
Gentle clouds hum a soothing song
Soothing, my heart has not known such a thing
Its been broken,
Shattered,
Scattered across
All over the gentle countryside.
What happened? you may ask
no offence shall be taken.

It exploded, filled too much
Too much of loneliness, it kept on filling

I stare into the setting
its going to be cold soon
loneliness shall gather no more though
The one heart that could gather it has gone
Short-lived as that thought is, i feel loneliness again
this time gnawing
gnawing at my soul
projecting your memories
in the evening mist
I can only smile at it, in despair
feel its omnipresence,
all i can do is wait,
only that, which shall cure me,
your voice or my death
such a flux of silliness
that you shall once be equated with death
I await.

Love making and a book reading

2010-04-06T04:01:00.001+05:30

Feeling the warmth of her body on my skin
On my back, her breath on my heart, she and me
Lost in a world of make believe,
And the time just ticks softly by
those pages brush past by
Rustle,
She whispers,
are we making love
I look at her and smile. This is what love is
You and me in the sheets
Exchanging heat, in a world created
And the creator is long gone
Just to stare at each other and smile
This is what making love is

Grim

2010-03-27T04:30:00.003+05:30

"Take me home, with you"
she was in tears, shattered,
"I don't want to be alone anymore"
I reached out, "there is room for everyone child, come"

A dark veil, covers my face,"Why are you so sad dear one"
" am without love, my heart feels cold. No one needs me" spoke she.
"Would you ask a stranger like me to take you away? so unafraid" I ask
"Afraid of what, if I shall be killed, You seem generous so I asked" says she.

"Child do you know who I am, my staff announces my coming,
The humanity fears my very sight, and you reach out to me"
" Would you know me? and if you do now would you still hold on to my hand?" I ask
"There is nothing besides my loneliness, that shall sing my saga." I wont she said.

My sythe, reaped her soul, I walk on
To another victim, another land, but I trun back at her stiff body once
For your will full submission I am afraid, there is nothing I could provide, I think and sigh
There is so much ground to cover. Being death is a busy job.

Cold

2009-10-23T03:53:00.001+05:30

Winter is here, I can tell
The lost stories forgotten echo
They speak of us,
the stream flowing down the road reminds me, of you.
Of all that I wish to forget, maybe this heart shall not know
For it forgets ignorance is bliss
On some hung tune of the winter wind
come to my window, look through,
watch me lay awake in my bed
wide awake, in thoughts of you,
Sleepless, like a forgotten fire, in embers, about to die
and death only makes me wait longer
maybe you shall never come visit
if you do, do draw those funny faces on the frosty panes
bless the ground with your shadow,
gently tread on my porch and whisper through the keyhole
let me writhe in your pain, make me think its a dream
so that i can fool myself of sleep
Swirl the air , let your locks enchant it
and then when you have cast your spell yet again
vanish as the melting snow, on some warm winter morning
only to grip me in its cold again.

Distance

2009-10-17T05:30:00.002+05:30

You said something, I didn't hear

You complain that the love seems gone

I shall not react, ask why or feel

I am gone somewhere, far into a land unknown

I have wished and wish and shall forever more

To touch the stardust, of the crab , the horse-head, the ring

Past each star that shines, I need to know its glow

Swirl in the galaxies , in wisps that shall someday be planets, and suns and on

I seem to have wandered off

The child in me, the explorer, once lost

In a bout with sentiments and bonds

I am adrift , in some unseen trails , of comets that often pass

Take me into your arms, make love to me

feed me , console me, teach me, all that I need to know about you

I wish to be one with you, and wish to explode

into a supernova, and merge into you.

What if

2009-08-12T19:27:00.001+05:30

If the broken could not mend
shall I bid time
even when i know now that time lies
shall i ask for an alibi
should i just then choose to wait
endlessly, and then watch myself fade
or shall i just go now
and be forever dead
these are my choices
I shall choose neither
let me bury the pain and walk
let the heart bleed, leave a trail
maybe someone may find me
if not , I am already gone.

2009-08-06T02:40:00.000+05:30

When i look back at the path trodden bare feet,
i try to recollect what reminds me
will it be the smile, or the flower bloom
shall it be the redwood tree
will it be her kiss, or the hunger for one
or will it be to taste her skin dipping in strawberry crush
will she look at me and call my name as i melt in
and bond with her for a moment in time
and then come back to her, in lust in craving

and visit her moans in ecstacy, drown in them
make her feel complete,
and then feel complete myself

Still

2009-07-24T01:10:00.000+05:30

When you sleep , what would you dream of

Shall you dream of the beautiful fire place

Before which we lay together

And forgot the world lost, in each others eyes

Shall you dream of that river crossing that we walked

When you held on to me close

On those slippery stones

Will you dream of those blue skies

And walk under it , holding hands

listening to the joyful birds

Shall you dream of a long lost time

when we sat on the moonlit beach

Where the waves sang a gentle song

Shall I feel you close to me , when I sleep tonight

And share your dream, and hear your heart beat

And hold you so close and never leave

I wish I do,

But your parting has kept me awake

Waiting for our next eventful meeting

2009-07-24T00:35:00.001+05:30

Lets walk in the rain

And let me hear u sing

And look into ur eyes

Feel the water against your skin

Hold u close

Watch the wind ripple the water

Hear its hum around like a choir

See the droplets in your brow shimmer

In the dusk, whilst over looking the valley

Hear your breath , tingle my senses

When you shiver, i will hold you to me

And warm you with the fire I harbour deep in my heart

Watch the world turn orange

In the setting sun, when the rain ends

Ask me what is it that brings us close

Is it love or lust, or is it purpose

I shall reply, as I always do, its the time

And its a comfort in knowing you

If it was love, I should have been dead , long before

When you were missing,

If its lust only, We won't be in the rain

The sweat would have drenched us

Its comfort, knowing a friend, like you

Twinkle

2009-07-20T01:53:00.000+05:30

I have waited to find, how would that earlobe feel

How would your breath feel on my skin

when you would call my name into my ears

Held close, when the flesh shall be undistinguishable

Would you tell me you have missed me

or would you regret the time

To feel your heart beating against my chest

Would you hear its craving for you

Shall it feel like a moment in time

would you miss it till we meet again

Would we break all the barriers we keep

Would you melt and flow through my finger tips

Would you wish to be with me again

When the time will be nothing and where the world is just sand

I have to leave soon

2009-07-07T23:33:00.001+05:30

The sun calls me, as it sets distant,
I seek no assurance of its return, its wish is its own
I seek no arrangements, I am now awake,, free of desires
I shall never be what I don’t wish to be
Its I now, the ‘ Us’ was destroyed when you put your wish over mine|
I held you as a flame to the wick
you burnt me, I am now no longer what I was
I give up on you , no longer are you dear
I was broken before, though at the hands of others
the knife this time is held by you
I can only bid my time
then run away from you, and rest beneath those trees
and watch the paddy grow
sitting alone, at the epitome of joy without you and your wishes

Seek no more

2009-07-07T23:32:00.001+05:30

I often bask in the thought
Is it that there is no self left in me
have I given it up to a mortal being who wants her way
Shall I now believe and know that my end has arrived.r
Should I give up all that I cherish for her,
And then look into the self, now an emptiness
What shall I now believe
Should I say that I gave up the freedom, and chose slavery
of the woman who wants her life to be complete
thereby causing destruction to me, to all that I stand for
Would it matter to her, if she knows her wants stand to destroy
To crush to dust the very basis of our togetherness
Should I now run away, leave her for ever
Would it matter to her? and if it did would it to me?
Some questions I ponder upon, and then I exclaim
I am the alpha and omega of my creation
I shall build what I wish and then destroy what I don’t
Someday I know the day shall come
I shall be gone, leave her to her wants and desires
I no more exist as ‘Her’ in my soul

In between

2009-07-03T17:47:00.001+05:30

All that remains must fade
Like the mist that shall covers the night fades
Vanishes , as it never was
And then we think, is this what it was meant to be
I beg to differ in this thought
Choices were made, all else given up
And then some of us gave up the self
Now when I walk among, all I see are the bodies
Soulless, bound to what the desires bind them
No escape
I eye the race I am among, I seem to be unmoved
These are not mine, nor do I wish
Want, think for or even about
I still walk here, the earth beneath the feet
Until I sleep alone, in it.

Talking in titles

2009-06-23T14:24:00.001+05:30

In white shall emerge, I of all known evil beings
look inside, what do you see, the hidden me
I am present when you do good, and do i exist when you do bad
Do you think to avoid my thought? do you feel me gnawing
At your soul, at your life, eating you inside out till I am all that remains
I am in the first light of dawn that you see
In the last streak of the sun, i the still of the dusk and twilight
I am that omnipresent one, I cannot be erased
I am not a thought you can forget, nor a nightmare you can wake up from
I am what you don't want me to be, yet I am what completes you
I shall consume you, in fear or in the respect of knowing me
I have patience, forever is just a moment for me
I have been there when you were born, when you smiled
Bidding my time, I have been there when you first took your steps
The first fright that you had , the first lover you kissed
I have been in your eyes, in your breath
I am in the joy, I am in the sorrow, In love and hate
I am your end and the beginnings of other
I am death, the stillness that none can match
You cannot embrace me at your will, nor can you hide from me
You have to come along at my calling
I am the alpha and the omega of destiny
Your time is coming, await me

Resting

2009-05-09T11:36:00.001+05:30

Hold my hand, run with me a while
On these open fields that have reminded me of you
The mist, the wind, all that is now solemn post your arrival
It kept your memories alive,of my hidden feelings and my unsaid
Lets sit by the brook, let me how the water glows
glowing golden, as the light falls on your hair
and listen to its mystic flow
making a sound that speaks of you, as it has spoken forever
Lets roam around the vast hills, float into the waterfall
watch the birds in formation, heading into the setting sun
let me smile once, let me smile knowing it
Let me Fade into the mist this time as you would
every night that I have dreamt.
come visit me on the soil that i lay beneath
watch the plants grow, see the flowers they bear for you
pick anyone and wear one
I will think I have lived forever then.

Adrift

2009-05-06T09:48:00.001+05:30

The darkness sees the light, follows it,
The water sees the earth, mixes with it
I saw my soul float adrift
wishing to dwell in someone’s light
The darkness had consumed me
The water washed away my feelings,
With only pain left,but it still had hope’s company
I knew I had to walk on and wait
The fire of my soul burnt bright in your thoughts
In the now of my existence all is reason
Your place exists, yet locked away
In the deepest corners of my existence
I wish to be you, I wish to know
What it feels to float on forever
Like a thought
Exist once as the fire of my soul

Renew

2009-05-05T00:21:00.001+05:30

Some old fires burn again, though ash, ever so bright
melt away the years of solitude that the mind has felt
It feels just as it has felt awaiting and contemplating how it should
the silence has been broken by another wave of silence.
I stand between these waves, which torments my willful exit
of the feelings and meanings that bound me, ball and chain
they call unto me again.
how could you know, hear me sing songs of loneliness
and speaking to your mirage in the heart of my soul
of all that has kept me awake, i blamed work, it was you
my self that was lost, long ago, has now returned
It stares me in the face, asks me some gravest of questions,
sarcastic at best;
Would it be you,is that you, are you the same, ?
the one i have dreamt of from the day our paths crossed!
or have I dreamt of you again,

Rinse, Repeat

2009-04-28T03:45:00.001+05:30

Lets part , go our ways, grow over ourselves
Find ways to evolve into the self, contained in the form called us
Bitten into by each other’s reality, existence and thoughts
Lets exit, you take the left i take the right
Maybe when we are alone we may know
Feel the summer heat, misery of its harshness|
Parch our throat and quench the thirst by our own hand
Let the hermit know that he is not the only one
Tell him he is among us common
See the evening sun set, stand alone, long for company
Maybe wish to hold a hand and see if it needs to be
If not then lets see more reality, and let go of the mockery
See the moon slip into the night sky
If you see me walk by , look at me and smile
Like two complete strangers who have known each other
And then if you feel that you need me, see if I need you as much
There will be no need to ask, we will know
We shall then meet again, same old place
You bring the food, I will carry the wine
Lets be surrounded by those, our friends and enemies we were among
And then lets eat and drink like we did last time, then,
In the same glass, pan and plate
Like this lets shampoo and cleanse our bond
Rinse, repeat

The way of the flesh.

2009-03-25T03:47:00.001+05:30

The lone desire calls out, its craving is flesh
nothing else should matter; speaks the mind
Nothing! what about those feelings, sentiments, values ?
They are for the sentient beings, for those who worry, think
Its not for us dear fair-weather friend,
Why then such distrust, why the doubt that I may be so?
Its not you I think about, it shall not matter either,
When the dawn breaks I shall be gone,
the marks I leave, shall remind you of me, the passion, the fire,
where skin met skin, when lust rode above all
and when I shall find more flesh, I shall fly
and come back to you when I shall be hungry again
So come to me, lets blaze in this union
and let us call it the union of flesh,
and be consumed, the fruit of lust that we carry

A nail of freedom

2009-03-25T03:30:00.004+05:30

beneath the white fluff, beyond the blues
higher than those fools foolishness, and darker than insanity
lies the world of my insanity, seldom known, often heard
much often desired by many to attain, I remain in what I was born with
total omnipotence, I exist in your minds, as a thorn to some,
a feather to some others, neither i care about, nor would i try to
these worlds are not mine to care about, nor are its beings
i can exist , lost in thoughts, full of me, awkward, all powerful
arrogance shall speak of me,
Anger shall be afraid to tread my path, agony shall fail to dominate me
death shall have be a heart full laugh, its not happiness, not anguish
no feelings, no emotions to touch or grapple me,
these balls and chains shall have no hold , nor shall i surrender to love
I hold my own ground, not out of valor, greed or compassion
I am me, and I shall be me, unconquered, unbreakable, untarnished
if you ask me what is freedom, I shall laugh
for I need not answer you, call me wrong, call me bad, evil or unworthy
your values and morals stay with you,
I forfeit carrying such waste, an eon ago.

Idle Run

2009-03-25T03:30:00.001+05:30

Shift to neutral, see if you feel the engine roar
without moving an inch, does it make you feel powerful
shift up and see if it makes you lose control, further on does it count now, do you still stay put, or does the world move back!
Just as much as the stooge on the window, does he see you
do you see him, does it matter, or did it ever
Feel the life without the false, let go want, desire, sentiment and emotion
what do you grasp now, and if you do, does it matter
I never would have imagined, little as much conceived
beneath the epidermis there lies a pinkness so pale
only when you salt them do you know
the truth of the falsehood of that capsule
and then you ask, if it makes sense, or do you make sense, sense
Sometimes it just is willful enough to run
on the wilds , of within, amongst the dangling tresses of the trees
of the snow fields of the now open mind
free of all hitches and bonds, beyond all called tolerance and patience
where you redefine you as you, what would you be, what makes you ‘You’
sometimes just start it and just let it be on Idle Run.

Tread to the barrier

2009-03-24T00:44:00.001+05:30

I often ask, strange as it may seem, an introspect
Looking into the aura, of the self, its so much a chasm
Like the earth opening up to swallow me whole, to be greater
To over cloud me, hide the self, project a handiwork, a faux
The barrier exists, It is the same principle
Made, fragile, seemingly immense, darker than the darkest heart
It serves one purpose, I advocates, abhors all I think
Makes me wonder if it should, and then some.
I often wonder, should it shatter, what demons it may unleash
Will it bend my will, make me fall, sting like a scorpion seething with fury
Shall it strike you like a snake, douse you in its venom,
Color you in the sins of the violent mind, violate your body
Torment your mind, make you beg for mercy, or strangle you with lust
Often these questions rise and fade, like waves, at tide
Maybe someday you shall be the victim, maybe it maybe me, maybe us
Until then I leave it to uncertainty.

Terra firma.

2009-03-10T17:09:00.001+05:30

Fade to yellow, and then to brown, rustle
Fly away, blown off, amongst the same pitiful crowd
Bolstering in the weirdest things, laughs the maple, now afloat in the air
Dying, and I shall smile at you dying,
For you all make me a happy mortal, while these die
The soil claims back her rightful fodder, these manure on two legs
That the earth spat out in sheer disgust,
What shall she deserve, post apocalypse
What thoughts did she harbor in her insane mind?
Why did she, who should have been, who shouldn’t
A mockery of her past acts
And she shall have to wait a while
Many eons from now the humans shall fade
Like the giants that walked the earth long ago
Now found in union and permanently dislodged
Lodged in clay,
Terra firma.

Of All the horses and the traders.

2009-03-04T15:39:00.001+05:30

The rice has weevil, muttered the village folk
The land lay barren, arid, crops dying
The ribs of the rotting corpses protrude, ooze a unbearable stench
Of the political system gone to the goons
Half the families raped, the other half plundered
By the collectors, magistrates, civic representatives and police
The rest dogged to death at dying corporate
Often the speakers and leaders invoke a fight, communal, lingual
Political, social , anti social
We have a lot of Mumbai, Gadchiroli, bengaluru
Of local dacoits, hand in glove with the politicians, and police
Only to rot and die and kill others in their useless pursuit
Of fame and money, they sleep with someone,
Abuse and then sleep there again
The system is nothing but a sack full of whores
Some elected through force, others win by ignorance
We criticize; a film made, a wrong portrait, a wrong relation
What have we given back, what have we; as “WE’ done
Nothing, I exclaim when I look within
The country called a mother by us,
Raped over and over by our shameless deeds
I only wish she turns numb, for her pain is not ours any more to share
There is only a twinkle in the eyes of the politician
It’s the chair resting on her , one leg through her heart
Like a stake, only this time the vampire killed the light.

Asylum

2009-02-11T03:18:00.001+05:30

Insanity creeps in, like rain into a well of sorts
Brine, like a nail in the head, left over from a bomb exploded long ago
Ghastly wails, in the pupils of the eye, each time it closes
Shivers down my spine
Lost morale, lost chances, changes left alone
Music to my ears, those wails
Wailing banshees,
My lust for such women, and only lust maybe
but its been me, all along
and shall forever lust,
Maybe for a Countess, an evil woman, from hell maybe
Bite into her soul in unison with me

The village Stiff

2008-12-19T21:29:00.001+05:30

Stillness
The cold blue frozen lakes
Wide and beyond
Like a beautiful dream
Where i can be found
Somewhere in my vivid memories
Thoughts
Some wanted memories
Haunted ones albeit
Drawing circles in the canvas of my mind
Casting a mystic image
How the winds bring back the times
For a moment brief, grief! stricken with sorrow
A heart that i knew , and i no longer possess
That lies dead beneath my feet
Dead finally and winter has arrived

VIBGYOR

2008-11-09T22:40:00.001+05:30

Amongst the shade of grey they say is colorful display
For which you must wait for the sun to arrive
and they say the sun arrives for sure, in the aftermath
when the world is wet from the wash.
This helps the spring lilies bloom, and the wind if fed the scents
the winds shall then enchant,some wanderer who shall have strayed
Thus help him find his way, get him home
Such are the thoughts a rain brings

The violet, the indigo, the blue
the green, the yellow and the orange, the red
light up the sky and make it seem pretty
but to some vagabonds like me, we don’t care
the clouds don’t call us, nor does the rainbow,
not the morning lark, not the returning birds at dusk
we often are in lament, but we cherish the moments
and complain if the rainbow in us shall ever emerge.

Coloured

2008-11-01T12:07:00.001+05:30

The demons of the heart, so strange yet so powerful
They pilfer the energy of the soul
And then some, break the will
bewilder, awe and amaze me often
break my will of commitment
razor sharp, those icy claws
of realization, when it dawns
it finds my conscience dead
Petrified , in some bog

I solemnly criticize my stand
one that I have taken
I often wonder how it was ever done
a heart of shattered glass
stuck together, like an unimaginable task
with the hurt hands of my own, still dreaming
the reddened hands, fated to be red forever, in pain

A life worth dying.

2008-10-20T13:41:00.001+05:30

------------------------------------------------

The words spoken, the tidings you portray
Have been an illusion, you are a disgrace
Of the life you showed you live
And of everybody who has taken what you give
How much the pleasure has been for you
And they derive it of you, and you too do
But some day the winds shall blow clear
And the face of your falsehood shall be painted
Across the eyes of many a men
And then you shall ask, was it really a sin
You shall be answered, but not in haste
For you have lived life , a waste
laid waste, and spoken the same
And then you shall find remorse ever again

----------------------------------------

Merge

2008-10-14T03:45:00.002+05:30

so as to often breathe, feel the air warming up as it leaves my body
mind and soul combine
stands as a body that breathes
and then it shall stop, and be still, very still
they may look at it, wonder why it no longer moves
and then play with the corpse, consume it
make it one with the dirt beneath my feet
ashes to ashes , dust to dust

----------------------------------------------
Audio is below.

Fumer Tue

2008-10-14T03:39:00.001+05:30

The statement seems correct often than most. Everything kills. Thoughts kill, Memories kill, Love kills and the best is that life kills. I sometimes wonder if it is my aching for writing that makes me blabber at times. But the truth may reign supreme that we will always find something that may kill us and we will indulge. Wont we dear grasshopper.

Set Adrift

2008-10-12T19:53:00.002+05:30

You called unto me, from my dark slumber i awoke
I found myself in your company
maybe just in your words, and in mine as I wrote
I was happy then, though i was happy before
Happy as I could feel the need to express
Like having stepped out of a comatose condition
I could feel the warmth of your breath in my soul
I became a boat, set it aloft beside you
tagged along, while you rowed
I let you lead me to the midst of the sea
the day later you were gone, you drifted away
lost forever at sea, and i was all alone

Set adrift, no oar neither the sails
calls out to me the water below, calls me again
asks if i can be one with it now
like a beautiful advertisement it encompasses me
I look across the horizon, my company has long gone
so there is nothing i can long for
no more shall the seagulls seem pretty
no more shall the orange make sense to me
The sand shall cover me, and make me cozy, wrap me up
and there i shall sleep, never to be awakened
never to be awakened again, like I was before you woke me up the last time

You know

2008-10-12T17:59:00.001+05:30

The world doesn't bother me, nor does it make me happy anymore
sometimes I question and often quote to myself the following from Pearl Jam.

The eyes below are of Nautica Thorn
-------------------------------------------------------------
'The direction of the eye so misleading,
The reflection of the soul so nauseously quick,
I don't question our existence
I just question our modern needs'

-------------------------------------------------------------

If you look so into me you will know,so don't
Those vile pleasures are not what I don't crave
just as human as I am as you are
but I steer away from the wants of the flesh
they lead me to unworthy desires and craving
uncalled for, unwanted, unwarranted and unfathomable
so let me walk amongst the woods at peace
this soul that has dissected itself from the body

it's only pain that often portrays the meaning of life
often its your own, some that affect others
these feelings I do not treasure, nor do I care for anymore
my soul now is no more in a wanting denial,
the soul needs no one now
as much as it never had wanted
There are those moments I claim to fame
there are those that embarrass me even to date
I just wait that someday I slip into a coma and forget those as well

22 days to go

2008-09-30T19:56:00.000+05:30

some mellow scenes of the palm trees
overlooking, casting an image of them into the river
flowing carelessly below, gently, as the touch of her hands
it shows the skies, like in her eyes, the oars splash water
sounds like her laughing, as she plays
she plays on, like a song in my heart
how much I wish to say I miss her
how much I do, I cannot imagine
maybe as much as my heart wants to set itself on her love,
watch it glide in her love
but for now I have to wait , only 22 days to go

An ode to the Self

2008-09-15T16:05:00.001+05:30

Often to regret, often more so to

I ask myself what it means, sometimes ponder

Only to endlessly meander in the realms of the unknown,

In an unforgiving mind that I harbor, and I argue on, endlessly

Once as a child, I dreamt of life

How it would be, to grow, be young, be old

Now the dreams have become a reality

A nightmare at most, if not entirely

Somewhere I see the streak of my childish desires

And wish to sit and watch the sunset

Knowing that the world owes me nothing, nor do I owe

The song of me

2008-08-06T02:38:00.001+05:30

It seems that the mind has died away
The imagination is lost, the dreams of a child
The thoughts describing things as beautiful, as pristine
As what would keep me occupied, in mind and soul
Now to the dust, it’s all cast
As if it’s just erased, as if like an eraser rubbed it away
The scribbling of a now dead soul
Often seeking to escape into the higher realms of imagination
To write, as if to speak in volumes
To write poetry, it seems gone now, all in vain
The feelings now dead, the felt now as if caress on an uncut stone
Hurled into oblivion, and the colours
Red, and green, and purple and blue, and all those we see
All mixed into black
Staring at me in the face, as if to question
What has become of me? What has?
And I reply with the same, what has?
Both without answers, we stare at each other
Me and myself, as if two complete strangers
Who seem incidentally quite alike, only one equally opposite
What is same, the loneliness
The separation of the self from the existence
As no one may have known, as no one may have wondered, ever
And if they did, may not have understood
Not as if they want to, not as if they care
Nor that they can, nor that would think of even
But i guess that is what it is of life
Such is life, mine, and of myself
We sit often, stare each other at point blank
What are we, who, why?

Origins

2008-06-30T06:44:00.001+05:30

Are you not afraid of me child?
Does not all this blood scare you?
That this is your father on my lap dying in pain
And that I am the one who is as you see devouring him!
Asked the divinity,
A face of a lion under the roof of snake heads

Afraid? How can I be when I have not known its meaning?
Not known fear in any form since I have seen you
Always, till now when I looked into my heart
Now I am seeing you with open eyes
What is pain now, what is death, what is life?
I am in surrender
Says the child, transfixed at the face of the presence

What is the ‘I’ in me now lord?
The self is no longer what was
‘I’ and ‘me’ are no longer words with meaning
I feel like a drop of water in the ocean of you
But the ocean scares me, it seems so unstill, ravaging, storming.
How shall I let go and merge into it?
How will I find the ‘me’ when I mix in you?
I asked.

Fear not child, when you fall into me, you are me
And once me you shall not need to find the ‘you’
And then you shall know that you have finished your search
And that your fears are what led you to me
The ocean is calm and gentle; close your eyes that you see with
Open the eyes of feeling; open the eyes in the soul
And you shall see, but only if you surrender to me
I hear the wind speak

I close my eyes; I see the ocean now calm
I hear its waves gentle to the touch, like a feet stepping on lotus
I ask if I can open my eyes now, I hear a ‘yes’
I find myself in the lotus he holds in one hand
Sleeping like an infant, and him watching me, like a mother
He is my mother.

Boom I exploded

2008-05-30T15:11:00.001+05:30

Conversations with the self:

What I dream of, what I am, what I forget myself in
That is what you are, what are you
Why does the mind in commitment follow on your trails?
And make my mind explode in a dust of the glass
Feeds me the happiness that is so un-consolable, uncontainable
The thoughts of you, one who is strangely unseen and unknown by large
Why does this mind wander in futile searches like such?
Is it the end of my so called self or is it the birth of a ‘me’ that I had hid!
I search to not find these answers, for their mystery feeds my veins
Fills them with the blood of your cravings
More often than not of why I should not think so

Searching:

I waited for you and you did not arrive
In my dream, and even with open eyes
I still did not seem to miss, but I missed
I saw her, I saw you, I missed myself
But I could not cry, she was with me, and you, away, but with me
I could feel the absence harrowing me, eating into my mind
Felt the blood in me go cold in shivers
Was it the cold in the air? It was not cold today though
Why should I turn 29 when I am 4 now at your thought?
Let me be in my own company, and be the company amongst me and her
Her I cannot live without and you I see in my living
How did all of this happen so all of a sudden?
Will this craving fade, like so many of the others that I have had?
I never could feel the emptiness fill me up and still feel empty
And to run away from all this, as if to forget
I stand out of my own self look at me; you have come as a question as me
When I am already in unison with her at soul
But I feel so lost when I am away from her
I wish for her, she like the air I breathe, like the light of my soul
And you like the soul itself
I do not follow these symptoms I show, or think of
My ‘self’ just ran off, it’s pondering away, at some distance
Is it at your desk space! Watching you? Then who is it that is missing my love
I do not know, I do not want answers, I do not wish to wake up
This is my trance

Its been long she said

2008-05-29T21:53:00.000+05:30

here is to you

2008-05-02T12:20:00.003+05:30

Someone left a comment for me and i feel that there is someone among those millions who likes my work.
"you must change your name. you are not "abominable nutcase". you are a sensitive and talented artist--a poet. please don't ever stop writing! peace to you, from nirtana"

Nirtana here is one for you:

Waiting
===================

Witness the scattering
amongst the broken clouds
the rays just seem to intoxicate
like they make my head spin
make me crave for you in passion

only to want more,
of you,
of us,
of unattainable heights,
of your arms,
of all that I seem to miss

Truth or dream
Its' open eyed
It awaits your rise at its horizon.

Oh I changed my name as well, hope you visit again and if you do add me on gmail its nair.ritesh at gmail.com

Voices

2008-04-05T18:38:00.001+05:30

What could I say, make believe, fantasize?
When the world I see is not mine
Where are the things I miss, why do I,
And what shall happen next, why I think
And mention such, and so much that makes no sense
Debt ridden, doubt harboring, daft and desolate my heart

How shall I while away these thoughts?
The ones that visit me only a few seconds every minute
And spoil the the 15 left
With me ending up a worry wart
Is it me or is it my choices that has brought me here, left me behind
Or is it my ignorance, that I subject my heart to such callousness

I shall not find an answer, no one does, nor will anyone
I talk for myself, not you, not him nor her
Why does the heart feel so lost?
And left isolated again, and over
Amongst the millions of souls I own

Such to ask are vile and in vain, in a heart load of pain,
What shall I ask more than lunacy!
As I feel it’s set out to meet me already
Where will we meet, when shall we, somewhere deep I hear,
My heart thinks aloud, I await now, stare into space

In waiting

2007-12-21T12:39:00.000+05:30

Fade, then elude me again
Appear on the horizon of my world
Look down from the corridors of the dreams
The one that i see with open eyes
I reachout to touch the image
Only for it to swirl and evade
Shall i fly, reach the heights , see those eyes
To find the colour in them , unknown to me
Or shall i fall, only to crave for it again
These are my questions i do not have answers for
But i shall find them
Find you, someday
Untill then

Butterflies:

2007-11-23T12:15:00.000+05:30

I feel the warmth in a tear from your eye, she said
Chance meetings shall always bring me these when it’s time to bid goodbye, I said
Shall you always be so sad to see me distant, she asked
I shall not, said I, for this heart of mine may die soon in such limitless torture of your absence
Fancy words, I know these are not dear, but the truth, said her lips
But leave I have to for we have to meet again, she spoke so gently
I could have died and again, the sorrow would have never ended, I felt
Shakespeare was right, part we must, said I
The day rolled by
Like some boulder,
Falling,
Pushed forcefully, by the landslide.
The season was fresh as the morning past the first rain
She came back, in my arms, this time forever she said, when I asked
For in last hour I wish to be with you, for it is in your arms I wish to die
Watching your wings, flutter and fan me, in the one week we have of life.

Dear Dearest

2007-08-20T01:22:00.001+05:30

My song for the woman called wife:

Dear Dearest,
=========================
Its always been a wish
to fly with the birds, far from known
only to rest, eat, fly again
to get to the destination i call home
somewhere in the clouds
I shall fly once, at least may try once
Will you fly alongside?
I promise to be the leading bird
now and forever, to help you fly easy
I still await you
Amongst these misty hills
arrive, whenever you please
I will wait, forever..

Transit

2007-08-04T04:34:00.001+05:30

Am on the road again.
And all that I have known is fading fast
It’s a blur, when I look back
Receding lanes, forgotten faces
Feeling the needles of the winter chill
The open jeep , I never drove at a 160 before, I did it now
The mind paralyzed , frozen in desires forsaken long
I am not one with me, unlike men, I can see me, as if on 35 mm
often rewound and replayed
I move on
Someday I will stop and look back
Watch myself fade as the road does now

In Remembering

2007-07-20T21:07:00.000+05:30

Steel etches on paper through a ribbon
As I render my thoughts , I stop often and think of her
Her touch so tender like silken sheets, she sleeps cuddled onto me
Her unrobed self touching my skin, warming me,
Mesmerize me, to a frenzy and back, only to repeat the trip
She dissolves into my blood each time she looks at me
Make me lust for her, a little more each time
Amongst the palm trees where we setup the hammock
And lay beside each other
She looked at the skies , held herself close to me
Asked me to love her so forever
I was a river, a seasonal, a flavor to taste once in a while
She knew, she wished mine forever
My sinful retreat, she belonged elsewhere, only chance meetings, lampposts and all
Those nights she met, we forgot all we knew, little things and larger
Those three days she was mine, only mine
Once summer came, she drove through, I held her and didn’t let her go
She had to, her husband awaited, I knew
She did leave, only to run back to me
Cried to me why she couldn’t see, how good we were together
I was a vagabond then, I am one now
We shared a kiss before we parted last
She bit my lip unknowingly in grief, it bled
I could feel her hunger for love, her desire to be mine
Together we flew, amongst the mountains, amongst the ponds and rivers
Away into the sunset, when we returned she smiled
She saw her body on the ground where she stood, her hands in mine
“ I’ve waited 23 years for this”, since you killed yourself to prove your love for me
Forever now, as we will ever be.

memories of the burn

2007-07-18T20:44:00.000+05:30

Hold me in your arms once again , make me forget
The bastard who has sunk a splinter deep in my heart
Who makes me wake up in shock sometimes
When I recall him choking my mother’s neck
I wish to forget in the caramel , that my childhood was stolen from me
And make me giggle and glee with joy
Make me want to live, then help me live again
Bring into my sense a feeling of belonging, fade away the trauma of long gone
That has etched within me what shall always remain, a thorn in my soul
At least make the pain subside
Make sweet love to me, immerse me in the liquor of your eyes
And make me long for you, make my stomach churn
Make it hurt, but for you, not for a heal to the past
I lit his pyre on a July of 91
And made my soul smile, watching him ash

Lust forever

2007-07-18T03:20:00.000+05:30

I wake up and often remember, the strawberries between her lips
the chocolate dripping down her chin
she loved them, often just to tease me she would display such
I went weak each time she did, she knew
and to caress her, bite the earlobe..
douse her in wine and drink it from her lips
pull her closer to me brush my cheek covered with the stubble
invoke goose pimples on her skin
smell it, tug her hair, for the want of touching her eyelashes with mine
and tickle them till she smiles
giving up in ecstasy, submitting herself to me and calling my name
hold her in my arms and kiss her now stuttering belly button
look deep and stare into her eyes
make her awake, but lost in the sensation of the moment
run the fingers through her hair
hold her with her back against my chest
nip gently on her neck and taste the shoulder and neck
make her quiver in the teasing and not stop
while she giggles and make her mad in a frenzy
let the satin tease her skin and make her pores awaken again
quench the thirst her's and mine
for the want of passion, till the day turns to night and night fades into day
and then look into her eyes and tell her i am her's
each birth of mine
i solicit such moments, then and now

Lust

2007-07-18T00:18:00.000+05:30

It was lust,
Her eyes seemed to gnaw on my soul
I had felt sensations like never before
She had the charm of a black magician,
My black magic woman.
She would have been nice, She chose not to
Of the other victims she chose me,
Made me feel special, Took me on a high ride
Tarnished my piousness
I still urge for her warmth, to hold her close, to taste her
And she was gone when I blinked
As the wind dies out when , rattling the leaves
Amongst the rustle I can still feel her ,
And my body yearns for her touch
To wash her in and drink the wine off her face
To touch her skin, the way her chest feels
Pressed against mine, eye to eye ,waist to mine
I wake up in some wet dreams, search for the pleasure
Unable still to touch, a skin different from her or mine
For her essence is sewn to my mind
Blistering and tormented, the lack of her touch like poison
Spread through my vein ,making me feel helpless
Waiting to be dead and reborn again, to bite into her flesh again
And express my love, while we are making love
Endless, melting away the time
Forever

Dead before Admittance

2007-06-30T00:51:00.000+05:30

The blues shall call me
And take me away
Take me in its depths; embrace me in its calmness
Merge me into the darkness
And fade me away, but the memories in me shall remain
And when long forgotten i am i still shall remember
My heart warmed in a presence, now cannot bring it back
For the i have left the world behind
Those skies faded in the first light
The autumn breeze stopped short of touching me,
Maybe it did, i don’t know, i couldn't feel
And the sky grew nightly
Something hurt, but felt it fade,
My dreams have now all run away
And so has her voice,
The ears stopped yearning for her voice
Once which soothed,
It was long ago, back then, i could play
I was crippled, love a handicap
I still miss her now and then

Echoes in the darkness

2007-02-02T12:39:00.000+05:30

She often sits there, beside me, her feet in the water flowing
she will often blink, ask me silly things
things that bring joy, hurt now in her absence
she would ask, why is the sky blue? why do birds sing?
I would answer the sky is tee reflection of your blue eyes
the birds are the echo of your voice
she would call my name, i would hold her close
feel the blood in my veins , it had warmth
I woke up today,nowhere,
I can hear her sometimes, calling my name

My Errs

2006-12-20T20:15:00.000+05:30

blink, catch the world , yours
in convenient times, and then rattle the memories, stay
remain in a motionless state, die
and whisper to the earth what you missed
you were never young, never old, never the new born
you were never a company missed
you are still now, not that anyone cares
not that any needs are not met
why do the need you, he is old enough now
he was the day he kicked his heels and said goodbye
and spilt his toxins country wide,
die, don?t wait up on me, already
you die now Mother Earth, you die.

It must have been her

2006-12-07T07:22:00.000+05:30

Thoughts

Curls unfurl, the winds blow , she turns

She looks my way, I stay still

And she asks me , are you in love with me?

I say "no, I cannot"

She walks further, she looks back again, "do u really love me?"

I say "no, I wish I could"

She walks further away, now feeling a little lone

"Do you really not love me?"

I ask, "if I say yes shall you walk with me , Without a question, without a sound Where I shall carry you?"

"Yes " she said, "I shall, but who are you"

"I am death, I have come for you"

I could see the pink on her face stay, unlike mortals I have seen prior

"You are not afraid of me dear" I ask,

She walked to me, "I love you, for you shall take me with you , today or tomorrow, unlike mortals"

I smiled, carried her home, forever

And when the wind calls....

2006-11-27T23:48:00.000+05:30

I heard her calling, over the mountains
The valleys echoed her gentle voice
my sleep was stirred , my eyes opened
when her voice touched my eyes like a gentle feather

it had been since long
I felt the thirst , I wanted a drink of her sight
gathering myself I visited the river side
again the wind had tricked me.

Since she left I have been lost
I search her for finding myself somehow
sometimes in joy and sometimes in pain
I cry , tear less

This is me

2006-11-21T22:25:00.000+05:30

Words that touch, move, remind,reminiscent of gone by, they hurt
and your memories arrive, find me
remind me of pain and fade, like the winds touch and go
and i wake in my open eyed sleep

Long gone Spring

2006-10-25T22:05:00.000+05:30

Red, like the shade of my own flows
under my skin, the sun sets across
the night falls, its chill piercing my soul
and I curl into myself under the black sky

I yearn for her touch, her voice, her smell
and I feel the pain in my heart
like a thousand needles
inching through my skin

only to scrape it, the sweat then would make it burn the next day
and remind me of my pains of yesterday
only to bring me more of such trauma
of loving a passing spring flower

and then one day I shall lay
on my back, open eyes, not anymore blink
and call out in a silent inaudible cry
that time it shall be the eye, stoned in your waiting

The Fires of yesterday

2006-10-09T14:09:00.000+05:30

I was back again, from where I had run away
the dream had put me back, like a stone thrown somewhere
against its will and destiny
A familiar place, I tried to hide beneath the bushes
I smelt the fumes, I knew what was in the fire
my dreams, they were my dreams that were burning
of a stranger I had looked in the eye and had eyed all my life
the same on who walked out, why did she
my answerers were mine to choose
for her trail were lined with the flames
flames of my passion for her
they would burn brighter , each second I remembered her
like to burn away my presence only to save me again and again,
the dream had brought back my fears,
I lived it again, and i knew it shall be back to haunt
and I shall pay heed, of hurting myself,
and i shall be unable to resist
my falling for her again.

Amongst that

2006-09-28T04:39:00.000+05:30

I still wander there in the hopes
Where finding you is never felt
But the lament of heart keeps my perusal alive
When I walk the countryside now
Seeing the mist trail
Somehow they swirl
Like you tread through them, and ran
Hid amongst the mountainside
Or maybe by the lake
Sometimes the winds shall blow the mist away
I wish they don’t and the mist stays
For your only form of presence left visible now
Where my imagination is in rendition
Amongst the old mist trail

In the twilight

2006-08-10T21:56:00.000+05:30

In a twilight, when I was alone, sitting in the darkness
Like the loneliness had forever captured made me its slave
I saw a face looking into my home,
Searching something in its darkness
I felt I knew her, I tried gnawing at my past
But it wasn’t , but it felt so known
Amongst the fog lit doorway I saw a face
I was transfixed, like a spell was cast
You called my name, I forgot mine at that
I wanted to reach out, touch that face
i woke up, I still try to find that dream

lost in his forest of thoughts.

2006-08-09T04:45:00.000+05:30

Animesh this is for you
=========================================
Lost in his forest of thoughts.
=========================================
He walked through the forest,
His new found land a place in his mind
Kept hidden away from the world’s sight
he is king, the lone ruler, his kingdom without a boundary
he has ruled since he was a child
the hair grey , shows weariness, his forehead wrinkled
his eyes still smile, catch yours, transfix them
and then he laughs sometimes, into the empty night
talks to it, I guess he is mad
I still don’t agree to my guess though, I admit his sanity
He lived his way, hurt, alone, in sad
but you can never tell, he never told you
he didn’t tell me, but I watched him as I grew

He died today, in his sleep
he was holding an envelope, the money he owed
I was tired of declining so I drove to pick it up
I read a note attached, “brother here is yours “,
“I cannot go with dues at hand.”
I felt my heart sink in my chest
Poor brother Ani had died
now his soul is lost,
lost in his forest of thoughts.

Spring wait

2006-08-08T20:36:00.000+05:30

What shall I say in the spring?
When the yellow shall spread itself on the green
And open up as a flower
Amongst the wilderness
And the earth shall show us that there is hope
After the bad winter
And when the snow shall melt shall it flood my garden
Will those icicles on my window melt?
And give way to the incoming breeze
So richly laden with the smell of her
Like the last time she visited
But would she touch the flowers in my garden again
And would she smile and enchant the trees and the wind
Where would she dance, which part of the garden, would she dance all over
And spin and cast a spell over all
And then will I wait for another coming
Of her next spring
These are my questions
I ask the wind and the sun these

Absence and like

2006-08-08T00:55:00.000+05:30

Some words melt the time
The fabric of it between us together
The distance that I have between my old memories and new
Where the world dissolves
And covers me in a liquid frenzy of unknown color
Where on waters wade you
And you kick in it, splash it
Little swan
So white so gentle
An untrue representation of you that I portray

When shall I wake up and feel you missing forever
And recover from my age old illness of longing
Of missing you, of wanting one I cannot have
Of the mild heavenly feeling that you instill
Like a drug entering my brain
Hallucinating
When shall I kill the craving and realize
That you are gone away for good

Shall I live on in this solitude?
Desperation for the glimpse of you
And then hate myself over for playing the fool
Or shall I bleed, the very life out of me
Like this and then end up as curled in my pit of agony
Of lifelessness and loneliness
I seek not love any more, I think, I say
But the truth shall remain
The hurt is deep, imprinted, engraved
In my soul, a hurt of missing you

Black tinted glass

2006-08-03T20:20:00.000+05:30

When I shall pass by the stepping stones of your home
I shall call your name, scream my heart out
but it shall be the voice of my heart
and I know the winds shall bring me your essence
Which wanders there, a haunting, for me
but you have left me, rendered me to dust in your heart
I can roll up the glass, tinted windows of my car
and I shall speed away, away from your home
and then I shall stop far away, LOOK at the road
and think of you again,
for I feel so lone,
amongst the crowd I call my own
when you left me behind you took a part of me away
the part that felt each breath it took , the pulse of my vein
here I am trapped in this isolation behind my heart's tinted windows

She shall never be alone

2006-07-26T00:26:00.000+05:30

The granite in October
The rose beside her on the seat
Gifted by her long gone lover
Dried, fallen from her old diary
In the twilight she stares into the open road
Meandering, all over the mountain,
over looking the valley, she over looking
Losing the faith she had in love
Lost labor of love
Her lashes hold a tear drop
She doesn’t weep she said to me on the phone
I stare at her, from far while I speak to her
She is afraid to open her heart to me
Afraid she may seek refuge in me
One she rejected a long time ago
I still stand in her life
Like the pillars of a burned oil rig
Caught in a fire, off shore
But it still remains
A memory to the lives of those lost in it
Like it, I stand in her life
But she will not look towards me
I complain not, not to her, not to anyone
But I know she knows my love
I know she misses me somewhere
But I stay on as a friend
She shall not cry, and never alone
For I have know the pain of love.

tell me

2006-07-20T19:43:00.000+05:30

And what shall I live by,
shall it be those moments I spent in uncertainty
of loving you
or shall I live amongst the memories
where I was with you
both I treasure
both better than the other
one was for you and one with
in the joy.

Idle in July

2006-07-19T20:06:00.000+05:30

RB this one's to tell you something. Half the times I read the stuff on your site i feel like i dont need to read much of it to feel it cos i feel like i am expressing what i feel like inside. I bow to you, you are my benchmark for writing now.

This one is for you.

Idle in July
==========================
the water on her hands, every drop
i watch them falling
splatter on to the granite seat
in the part, the tin roof overhead
where i saw her first
like some unsung poem
a serenade of life,
How it would have been mine
Demeaned by the parting
Now,
somewhere where her feet splashes
Water of the puddle
In the rains this july
Where her hunger for passion is met
And she held by her lover shall dance
In the same rain
The very one that wets the earth i smell
I stretch my hand touch those droplets
Like a madman, try to hold one
It's past, its gone, faded
My heart still aches
The thorn of memory
I let out a wail
Calling you name
The rain water covers my cry.

Explode

2006-07-07T18:10:00.000+05:30

I float , into my own mind
dark, still and no remorse
drifting into lands of my creations
of what seemed like an unimaginative mind

like wading through a slush of my own thoughts
viscous and murky
i breathe into me but i seem dying
seem to sink deeper into the

i watch the world blur
through my eyelashes
filled in the slime of my pain
i wait laying on my back in the depths

His roof leaks

2006-07-06T04:16:00.000+05:30

wise chinese said,wise men said
joe said and fred said
to him nothing matters
his roof leaks
the rains have shown his hope is lost
his roof leaks
the sun used to shine through, positive way out
but now the roof leaks
he couldn't fix it then
nor can he now
his patience has worn out
because his roof leaks
without money, without bread
he has battled deat by starvation countlessly
but now he is hurt
says God's indifferent
His roof leaks
he really needs an angel
and he seems like Gods' forgotten
his roof leaks
his floor wet,
no place to sleep
nowhere to curl into himself
to kill the pain of his stomach that he does
no fire place to keep him warm
the stove has given up too
his roof leak
she still watches the stars at night
God i need you today
to look at his complaints
or the measure to assist.

Who Else But me

2006-06-07T19:28:00.000+05:30

linger

2006-05-24T19:13:00.000+05:30

My back against the crumbling wall
I ponder, window open, glass broken
Where the grass gently sways
And brings the beetle to drink dew
Somewhere the wind rustles
Leaves, dead, blow it around, brownish grey
Some decayed, some plain dry
The wind whistles me a haunt
Over the wall, dry moss
In memories, nails of bygone rains
That stand, on the wall, having eaten into it
It still bears them, blind love
When the wind blew cold that night
You wanted me to hold you
Ihe heart visionless, my infancy
I have wept, since you left

Skyward

2006-05-13T04:23:00.000+05:30

i watched the sun, drown into the sea,
over the horizon,burning the sea in a red of its own
i strecthed out my hand, asked it to stay
told it of my fear of the dark
it smiled and said the moon shall come
and i agreed to part
it was a new moon night
the sun had left me, like her
and the stars came out, twinkled
like holes in the roof letting the sun in
i remembered the sun, wanted its warmth
but the night creatures kept me company
it wasn't long before i made friends
wasn't long before they became mine
but the sun still satyed in my heart
i lay down to rest on the wet soil
i knew i was dying
but i wished to bid goodbye to the sun once
maybe it wasn't meant to be
so i wrote the suns name in my palm,
and died palms skyward

Given to fly

2006-04-25T01:47:00.000+05:30

Animesh this one's for you buddy.

Given to fly
======================================
I flew kites once
Red, green blues
Torn, patched but they would still fly
They remind,
Of the shades my life portrays
Amidst the turbulence called life
Somewhere,
Far far amongst the clouds
My silver lining awaits
Shy but determined
To reveal itself
But will it show itself before I breathe last
I don’t know
Or shall I like Confucius die
And the then shall the world seek me
I shall not find the answers maybe
Nor do I care
I am here
Suspended into a living
Called life
A painful retreat